Hi everyone. I know that I get people who believe in Christ and those who don’t on this blog, some people of different faiths to my own, some agnostics, some atheists. I also know that the majority of the people who read this blog have mental health problems of their own. I am sorry if my posts about my faith make you feel uncomfortable or make you feel like you can’t comment. But I can’t separate my mental health from my Christian beliefs so my posts are often intertwined with both subjects. I hope that doesn’t frighten you off. Please feel free to comment however you like.
Last week I was plagued almost constantly by thoughts of how despicably weak I am for allowing the step-daughter to make me so upset, so anxious. I kept thinking of people who have to face real trials and stand up to them so much better than I do. I knew this line of thinking was flawed, and I could argue against myself quite effectively, but it didn’t make the thoughts go away.
Then I went to church yesterday. And once again my Pastor preached a sermon that just blew me away. I actually managed to find a pen and some scraps of paper in my bag to take notes! He was preaching on love. Specifically he was preaching on this passage:
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:14-21
Once again, I’m not going to repeat his sermon here. Even though I did take notes, I still have a lot of thinking to do about it. But this – my faith should be rooted and established in love – wow, that got me thinking. Not rooted in my own fallen, selfish, fickle love for God, but in God’s wonderful, self-sacrificial, unconditional, never-failing love for me.
A the end of his sermon the Pastor said that he felt it on his heart that some people should be prayed for about this subject. Now, I hate being prayed for. It feels like a letting down of all my barriers, which actually is what it is. But I felt his gaze (whether real or imagined) burning into me, even though I had my eyes firmly on my knees by this point.
So at the end of the service I sat there looking grumpy for a little while, talked to a couple of people and really just eeked it out for as long as I could before finally giving in. I went to the back of the church and saw this lovely woman that I have spoken to a couple of times before. She is an older lady and exceptionally gentle. I gave her the bare outlines of my experiences over the past few months, told her of the thoughts going round my head and then promptly burst into tears. I realised that although I am (slowly and painfully) learning to love someone who gives no love back, yet I just can’t seem to wrap my tiny brain around the fact that God loves me. God loves me and therefore I have no need to beat myself up so completely all the time.
She was wonderful. She gave me a tissue and a long hug. Other people saw me crying but they just calmly got on with their business. She prayed for me. She was so intuitive. She could sense what I needed without me having to tell her. She helped me to see the prayers in images instead of sentences, because she could sense that my thoughts are so scattered, so fragmented that I couldn’t keep track of the prayers. Images of a heart wrapped and trapped in barbed wire, of my Saviour cutting through that barbed wire.
She asked me if I have ever been filled with the Holy Spirit and I answered no because I truthfully don’t think I have. I have been a Christian for 14 years and I don’t think I have ever been filled with the Holy Spirit. She was so kind and said that it is nothing to be ashamed about, she was the same as me when she was younger, and she thinks many people are. So she prayed for me to be filled with the Holy Spirit. (I want to note for the record that I do know that there is a difference between the permanent indwelling of the Spirit, and being filled with the Spirit. Or at least I think there is.)
She encouraged me to pray out loud. I struggled with that one. I haven’t prayed out loud for about six years. But she walked me through it and I managed to talk to Jesus. Just a few halting sentences. She smiled and hugged me again, saying well done.
She prayed that I would be covered in the blood of Christ, that I would be protected from Satan’s arrows. She encouraged me to pray for this every morning. She also encouraged me to repeat to myself out loud every day that I am a child of God and very precious to Him.
I am not sure how I feel about all this just yet. I don’t feel any different. Possibly a little calmer. I am spending today doing some reading to try and reflect further on what happened and what was said, prayed and preached. For now I just wanted to record, however briefly, what happened. And to thank God for how He is using His children to help and guide me.