My Church

I have attended 3 different churches over the last few weeks. 3 weeks ago I visited my mum and step-dad’s church, for my sisters’ baptisms. Last week I visited my dad and step-mum’s church on Sunday morning and my sister’s church on Sunday evening. All 3 have very different styles of service. My mum’s is a small baptist church. My dad’s is presbyterian church of Scotland. My sister’s is a very modern, large, lively baptist church. I confess I loved it there. Mr. Razzler enjoyed it too. He has a limited experience of church. The church we are part of is the first church he has ever attended regularly. He saw how vibrantly people worshiped there.

So yes, we enjoyed the service last Sunday evening. The band was good, the music was modern and bouncy, the church was full of life. You could tell that the worshipers all around us really wanted to be there. There were 4 people being baptised that night and they all had very powerful testimonies, powerful in that they told of a loving God who steps into lives and brings transformation. 

But… I miss my church. It has its problems, of course, what church doesn’t? But the people there care for me and Mr. Razzler. They love us. Because God first loved them. The pastor has a wonderful gift of teaching, and he inspires me to look more closely at the Bible and what it can tell me about my Saviour, Lord and God.

It has taken me quite a long time to become this involved in a church. To allow myself to let a church (that is, the children of God, the other random people who, like me, believe in the Lord Jesus as the Son of God, who died and was raised to life again) near me. The church I grew up in hurt my family very badly. I did not see why I should trust churches again. But the thing I have learned… what have I learned? That we are just people. People who love God, and try to live faithful lives, true to his teachings, who trust that He will help us. But we are also people who make terrible mistakes at times. Who don’t know how to forgive. Who don’t know how to love. Who don’t know how to put our selfish desires to death and put God first.

That is so important. To put God first. In everything. And we get it wrong so often. Which must be part of the reason why God wants us to do this in communities. The body of Christ, the bride of Christ, the Church. God wants us to encourage each other, to teach each other, to build each other up, so that we can be witnesses for Him. How much harder it is to live this life by ourselves.

Since coming to this church, and becoming part of it, my faith has flourished. I am no longer trying to work my faith out on my own, but rather, I have friends who help me and care for me. Friends I care for, and try to help, and who knows, maybe I do help them a bit.

So I’m looking forward to getting back to this group of believers tomorrow.

Truly Random Half-Thoughts

Oh man, seriously, my concentration span is ZERO today. I keep attempting to write posts because I think about a lot of stuff, and surely I can think of just ONE tiny thing to say, right?

Wrong.

I just waffle, make no sense, even to me, and that takes a lot. So instead, I will make a list of all the things that are buzzing round my head, some of which I am reading about, others are merely wandering around in my mind, hanging curtains and making themselves comfy:

• Autism & Aspergers Syndrome.
• How I would really like a kitten, but my stupid landlord won’t let me have one.
• How maybe I should get a hamster instead, but how I don’t really like the smell their cages make.
• The issue of ‘worship’ in churches, why is it always such an issue anyway?
• Friendship and making new friends.
• Wondering if people are actually interested in what I think about stuff, or if they just find me mildly amusing.
• MBTI - personality stuff which a lot of people are really not interested in, but which I stuff down their throats anyway until they want to gag me.
• Atheism.
• Self-Pity/Victim Complex vs. Choice/Responsibility.
• Parenting/Step-Parenting/Families.
• Manic Depression/Bipolar Disorder.
• The issue of how churches deal with CHANGE - oops, maybe I should have whispered that one.

So there we are. There’s more, but they haven’t started articulating themselves in my head yet. Maybe some of these things will make it into future blog posts, maybe not. There’s a distinct possibility that they will just move elsewhere and try to find themselves a more ordered and coherent home, and my brain will meander along different paths.

Family

Isn’t it funny the way life works out sometimes?

Mr. Razzler and I spent yesterday evening with Mini Razzler and her kids. (For new readers, Mini Razzler is first mentioned here) She cooked us a MASSIVE roast dinner, to celebrate our anniversary, followed by strawberries and freshly whipped cream. Seriously - I rolled into work this morning.

The family had got us a card, addressed to Ma and Pa. Toothy (first mentioned Toothy here, and also explained the name) drew us a picture, addressed to Nanny and Grandad.

I wonder how many other people know how it feels to become a step-mum, and a step-grandma, at the age of 24. I barely knew this family a year ago, and now they’re MY family. It still takes me by surprise. To be called Ma, to be called Nanny. To have a 4 year old boy jump all over me. To have girly rants about hips and boobs with a nearly-16 year old girl. To constantly tease and be teased by a 14 year old boy. To have a 12 year old boy draw pictures for me, and come over for a hug the moment I walk in the door.

I often feel like one on my own. I don’t know anybody who has been in this position so early in life. I have grandchildren before I have even had children of my own. I have gained a daughter, who is 12 years older than myself. And she refers to me as Ma. There are no rules for this. It is sometimes so hard. But there are the most precious moments too, which leaving me beaming.

Self-Discipline

I am not a very self-disciplined person. I’m more of a go-with-the-flow sort of person. I pray, but my prayers are the pray-as-you-go type, conversational type prayers. Hi God… I don’t want to get out of bed, God… please help me to be true to You today, God… Ooh, look at that bird, God… Is it nearly home-time yet, God?… and so on. My prayers become pretty in-depth at times, but they don’t happen at specific times of day, and often my mind wanders off mid-prayer. I often find that I am not so much talking to God as rambling to myself.

I want to change this. I find myself desiring more from prayer. But having a quiet time at the same time every day? I’m not too sure about that. One of the things that always puts me off daily devotional times, are the appalling daily devotional books that are out there. Ones that don’t challenge me, but rather bore me. Ones that ask me pointless questions (I have always detested study packs). I tried a prayer journal once, but to be honest, that bored me as well. It seemed like all I did was write down the prayers I was supposed to pray, and then try and persuade myself to actually pray them. It was like praying twice! How dull.

A friend got me thinking a couple of weeks ago though. She mentioned a new style of prayer/quiet time that she was trying out. What about going through the Bible, picking out say 10 different verses, one for each different section of prayer? So… Praise, repentance, devotion, renewal of faith, intercession… kind of like The Lord’s Prayer in Bible verses, I suppose. A way of keeping the mind on track. And then you would change the verses, maybe once a week, once every two weeks? That sounds like a good idea too, keeps the mind learning new things that the Bible has to say. Learning and praying work together hand in hand, I think.

So I’m considering trying this out.

Then I came across another new way of praying, here, at “Et Tu?”. Not sure what my thoughts are on this as yet, but adding liturgy to daily prayer certainly sounds like a good idea, particularly for those of us who have trouble focusing. As does the idea, of centering life around prayer, making prayer come first and tasks second - not the other way around.

I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

My Beloved

Mr. Razzler and I have been married a year today.

When I first met Mr. Razzler I was a mess. I was very depressed and had made a few bad mistakes in life. I didn’t know what to do, I was messing up the final year of my degree and I didn’t know how to sort myself out. God seemed very far away.

Then Mr. Razzler crashed into my life! He was like a sunbeam shining in all the dark bits. He saw me. Saw straight through me. And I have never looked back. He is kind, gentle, compassionate, loyal and funny. What more can a girl ask for? I can’t imagine my life without him.

We are spending a long weekend with my parents in Edinburgh to celebrate our anniversary. We saw our wedding video for the first time - and the humiliation of my dad’s father-of-the-bride speech was as acute as it was a year ago. We’ve been out for some raucous meals and have drunk some lovely champagne.

Everybody has been telling me how mad I am; how my eccentricities have come out to play much more since being with Mr. Razzler. Why is this? they ask. I know the answer. It’s because I am free to be me with Mr. Razzler. He nurtures my inner mad woman and lets her roam free. He has allowed me to become comfortable with who I am so that I don’t hide myself away any more.

Mwahahahahahahaha! There is more madness to come!

But our marriage is much more than all this, fun as this is. I will love Mr. Razzler for the rest of my days. I will protect him and nurture him. I will smile at all his funny little ways. I will listen and pretend to be interested (or I’ll try, anyway) when he talks about practical things such as floor tile grouting and kitchen cabinets. I will annoy him by insisting on watching Friends whenever I get the chance. I will moisturise his back in the places he can’t quite reach. I will most likely throw at least one other plate when he tells me how I should be cooking that meal. I will cuddle up with him every night and wake up to his beautiful face every morning.

I will look forward to every new day.

Have I Mentioned Lately?

Have I mentioned lately that I’m an idiot? No? Well I am. Oh no! I hear you cry, surely she’s not going to bore us again! Well, yes, I just felt the need once again to say that I worry over such pointless things. I get myself all worked up, plan what I should say, stop sleeping, become unable to eat breakfast, and work very hard to stop my hands shaking.

And then… I find out that I should never have worried about it in the first place.

Repeat cycle multiple times, and never learn lesson.

That’s me.

Sorry for boring people. I know I rambled on about this here and here. For my loyal readers (all 3 of you, besides Mr. Razzler) I promise to come up with other, more stimulating topics, in the very near future.

For now, though, I’m off to find myself something else to worry about. I know that if I try hard enough I’ll find something.

Woohoo!!!

I’m absolutely over the moon!!!

Remember I said I’d like to do an MA in Islamic Studies? Well, I just had a meeting with my old lecturer in Islamic Studies, and he was so supportive of me doing an MA! He said he’ll write me a glowing reference, he was full of ideas about what direction to take in my studies, he wants me to apply now to start in September! I think I’ll hold off until the following year.

Then I got back to the office and told my boss. He said: great, go for it! I said I have to work out the funding for it first. (Background info: I have been told that my University is not always very good at funding its employees in further academic education; its administrative employees, that is) My boss said: rubbish! The School will pay for it, there’s plenty of precedence for a scholarship, I’ll write you a reference, there’s no way you’re paying for your own studies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You may be able to tell (from all the exclamation marks) that I’m quite excited!

Feeling

I sometimes think I feel too much. When I’m nervous I’m very nervous. When I’m sad I’m very sad. When I’m excited I’m very excited. Up and down, up and down.

When I watch films, or Star Trek (why yes, I am a nerd!) I lose myself completely. MoriahJoy wrote about this same thing yesterday, but she expresses herself far better than I do.

I’m tired today. I find myself getting nervous, only to realise a few hours later that there was nothing to be nervous about. But, although I laugh at myself, I’m still close to tears and my hands still shake.

On the up-side though, I’m going up to Edinburgh to see my family this weekend. I’m sooooooooo looking forward to it, and will hopefully come back better able to deal with life’s little (and not-so-little) ups and downs.

Khaled, Faudel, Rachid Taha - Abdel Kader

Another one:

Just wonderful, makes me dance madly around the room, singing at the top of my voice.

*smiles happily*

Sting feat. Cheb Mami - Desert Rose

I just love this song:

It takes me away from this grey, damp land, and back into the land where the passion runs so deeply in my veins.

Worrying

It’s 10.15pm. I’m tired. Or I thought I was tired. Mr. Razzler and I decided to have an early night. I made my last few comments on blogs (obsessed? Maybe) and went to bed. Mr. Razzler is already snoring - I mean, he’s not even been there 5 minutes! Ping! I’m wide awake.

It’s probably because I’ve been a bit nervous and jittery this week. I made a stupid mistake at work, came clean, and waited for wrath to descend on me. It didn’t come. My boss thanked me for owning up and said not to worry, we’ll sort it out. But I was always one of those kids who was terrified about getting into trouble at school. If I was late handing in homework it would bring me out in stomach cramps. So even though this particular situation was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be, I still have butterflies in my tummy.

It’s like… I’m waiting for them all to find out that I’m a fraud. And by them, I mean THE WHOLE WORLD. Everybody. How ridiculous.

Jesus told us not to worry. What’s the point? What does worrying achieve? Nothing. And yet I still do it. Almost every situation I’ve worried about recently has turned out fine. And the others God has given me the strength to cope with. Why can’t I learn this simple lesson? STOP WORRYING!!!

So, as I can’t sleep yet, I think I’ll blog about a bit. See if I can find anything deep and meaningful to take my silly mind off my own problems, which I don’t have the power to solve anyway, but which I will still worry endlessly about.

A Little More About My Type

The following is taken from the Facebook application “MyType”. Note: I’m not usually a fan of FB apps, but this one isn’t bad:

INFP Strengths

• Most INFPs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:

• Warmly concerned and caring towards others

• Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling

• Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships

• Deep capacity for love and caring - yep, but I have a tendency to hide this “deep capacity” so I’m not sure if others know much about this aspect of my nature

• Driven to meet others’ needs - often to the detriment of my own needs

• Strive for “win-win” situations - yes, this is awful, I can tie myself in knots when I spend too much time with pessimists

• Nurturing, supportive and encouraging

• Likely to recognize and appreciate others’ need for space

• Able to express themselves well - sometimes, it depends on how emotional I am about a given topic. I communicate much better in writing

• Flexible and diverse - I’m very diverse, I hate to be boxed in

INFP Weaknesses

• Most INFPs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationship issues:

• May tend to be shy and reserved - yep, although I’m beginning to get over this now

• Don’t like to have their “space” invaded - I HATE my space being invaded!

• Extreme dislike of conflict - definitely, although I recognise that conflict can be useful at times

• Extreme dislike of criticism - oh yes, I start to shake and everything!

• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation - I think so, although I’m not very good at receiving it

• May react very emotionally to stressful situations - hmmm, this may have been said about me

• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship

• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others - yes, although this doesn’t seem to apply when I’m cross with Mr. Razzler!

• Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings - yes, only those whom I deeply trust get access to my real feelings - and all you nice people who read my blog of course!

• Perfectionist tendencies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit - yep, I get told off for this

• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders - yep

There is so much more I could write about. I am driven to work out who I am, what I’m good at, bad at, why I think the way I do, how I interact with others… to understand and to be understood, in short. So many people seem to think that INFPs are the fluffy bunny personality type - and it isn’t true. Or not all the time, anyway. We are complex, highly individual people. Maybe I’ll attempt to do a series on this.

Gasp - I can sense you all holding your collective breath in anticipation. Indulge me.

God’s Comfort

Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Romans 12:15

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Revelation 21:1-5

My Sister Has A Blog!

Remember I said that I’d had a conversation with my sister about relativism? Well, guess what! She’s started a blog! I am a trendsetter.

Go and take a look: she goes by the name of Thinkbubble. Her first blog post is about truth (surprise, surprise, haha!). She is very philosophical by nature, and much better at it than me, having actually studied philosophy at university.

Truth

My brain has been doing its usual over-analysing thing over the last few days. I had a conversation with my sister about relativism, I’ve been reading a blog about Catholicism, and I’m trying to become more self-disciplined (something I have always struggled with). Now, these subjects are not really related, but I’m going to blog about them anyway.

Relativism. I just don’t get it. How can two opposing statements both be true? It just doesn’t make sense. I understand tolerance. I believe that everyone has the right to believe whatever they want. But deluding ourselves into thinking that not only can we believe whatever we want, but also that, no matter how opposing our views are, they are all true, because all truth is relative (what works for me is true and what works for you is true) is surely just that: self-delusion.

Who gets to decide what is actually true? Lets take the above theory, that truth is relative, and ponder it for a moment. I am certain that I am typing this post using a keyboard which is plugged into my computer. What if someone came in and was certain that actually I was just thinking this post and magically transferring my thoughts to the computer using nothing but the power of positive thinking… Can this person possibly be correct? I’m fairly sure that the answer is no.

So, common sense comes in somewhere along the line. If certain things are true and other things are not true in the physical world, then doesn’t the same rule apply in the spiritual realm?

Back to my question then: who gets to decide what is true? This brings me to a blog I’ve been reading: “Et tu?”. This is a wonderful, insightful blog, by a woman who used to be an atheist and became a Christian a few years ago. I love reading her blog. She wrote a post about why she became a Catholic. Fascinating. I am not one of these Christians who believe that Catholics aren’t real Christians, that they’re not saved, or anything like that. I have known some very devout Catholics, who had a sincere faith in Christ Jesus as their Saviour and Lord. Jennifer F. mentions how she struggled to understand the Bible when she was searching for God. How do we know which bits of the Bible have a literal, concrete meaning, which can be applied directly to our lives, and which bits are metaphorical, with a general meaning? She says how she found Christians who could defend their beliefs using scripture, but two Christians could both defend their differing views using different Biblical quotes. Therefore, how do we know how to use the Bible? This is what she discovered:

“Around this time someone told me that one of the Christian denominations claimed that God did leave us this “answer key” I’d been yearning for. I found out that the Catholic Church claimed to be a sort of divinely-guided Supreme Court, that God guided this Church to be inerrant in its official proclamations about what is right and wrong, how to interpret the Bible, how to know Jesus Christ, and all other questions of God and what he wants us to do. I heard that it claims that God speaks to us through sacred Scripture and through the sacred Tradition of his living Church.”

This seriously got me thinking. I just don’t understand where the Biblical precedent is for a “divinely-guided Supreme Court” that is “inerrant in its official proclamations”. To me, the Church (that is the body of Christ, the worldwide community of believers in Christ Jesus) will always get some stuff wrong. The concept of the now and the not yet. We have God’s Spirit with us now, to give us understanding and to guide us, but there are many things about God that we will not understand until we are in His presence after this life ends. Jonolan has also covered this topic recently, in his post “The God Delusion”:

“Now please don’t get me wrong, I do not deny the existence of a god-head. I deny Man’s understanding of it. I believe that Man cannot - not in any meaningful way - understand the divine. We see the God(s) through the lenses of our own inadequacy.”

There have been some fascinating comments about this post - go and have a look for yourselves. Now for myself, I believe that although we cannot understand the divine fully, God has given us Scripture so that we can learn about Him, and he gives us His spirit to help guide us (amongst other things). But it isn’t so very clear cut. Christians disagree on many things; homosexuality, divorce, drinking, sex, contraception, abortion, etc. We can’t all be right. See, once again, how I don’t subscribe to relativist beliefs. How then, do we come to an understanding of God’s will (preferably without having to resort to the age-old tactic of “I’m right, you’re wrong”)?

I welcome comments on this topic. I hope that if people find my blog who are either Catholics, or believe in relativism, that they will not be offended by anything I have written. I just want to understand, and I hope that people will feel comfortable enough to comment. If not… then I’ll keep reading around and maybe I will understand eventually.

Here is a quote, which I find to be very helpful in my thought process:

In essentials unity. In non-essentials liberty. In everything love.
Augustine.

PS. You may have noticed that I have not written about self-discipline. It really wasn’t related so I’ll leave that for another time.

PPS. I also hope that nobody thinks that I am confusing Catholicism and relativism - I’m not; I just find both subjects relevant to the common subject of truth.