Declared Innocent

I have mentioned here previously that I sometimes struggle with my step-daughter. But I honestly try not to write about it often because I don’t want to simply descend to the level of bitching. But I’ve had it, people. I have reached my limit.

I had a horrendous encounter with her on Saturday evening. Something similar happened around Easter last year. She makes me feel awful about myself. I hate saying bad things about other people, but this is the truth – she is the most self absorbed person I have EVER met. Her head is firmly stuck up her arse, and she is incredibly judgemental.

I reduced me to tears and left me feeling absolutely devastated. Again. She said awful things about me that just aren’t true. She is no friend to me. She is a bully. She judges me for every move I make. She tells me I have no right to be depressed because my life is so rosy compared to hers. She tells me I’m making up my mental health problems. At the same time, she uses my mental health problems against me, like saying I don’t know myself, so how can she accept me? All because I have been clearly agitated or unwell in her presence on occasions over the last few months. She tells me I am weak because I decide to remove myself from confrontation rather than stay and get more and more upset. She told me all this and more on Saturday night.

But I remember what I went through last year. I spent a long time beating myself up, telling myself I was to blame – in short, believing everything she said about me.

Not this time round. I didn’t do ANYTHING. Nothing. I left as soon as things were getting too much for me. As I went out the door I heard her saying that I was weak, blah blah. But I am not weak. She is weak. She allowes bad things to happen to her, just because bad things have happened to her in the past. I am taking charge of my problems and I will sort myself out. I am not a victim.

Hubby stayed after I left to wrangle things out with her. And she did not restrict the vindictive poison to me alone, she had a go at him as well. Saying horrible things to her own father. I’m very glad I left so that I didn’t have to witness that, because I can’t be sure of how I would have reacted.

I leave this here as a record. When I start beating myself up (as I always do) I will come back here. I did NOT do anything wrong, I did NOT deserve to be treated that way. I deserve to be accepted for who I am.

When I got home (after speaking to my parents on the phone, who reassured me that they are proud of me and the things that were said are unfounded) my Mum sent me a text message directing me to Psalm 4:

Answer me when I call to you,
O God who declares me innocent.
Free me from my troubles.
Have mercy on me and hear my prayer.

How long will you people ruin my reputation?
How long will you make groundless accusations?
How long will you continue your lies?

You can be sure of this:
The Lord set apart the godly for himself.
The Lord will answer when I call to him.

Don’t sin by letting anger control you.
Think about it overnight and remain silent.

Offer sacrifices in the right spirit,
and trust the Lord.

Many people say, “Who will show us better times?”
Let your face smile on us, Lord.
You have given me greater joy
than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine.

In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe.

I read that and knew that I had done the right thing in leaving when I did. It’s horrible when people judge you and say untrue things about you, but I trust God. He has declared me innocent. I was feeling all happy and smiley on Saturday and this threatened to push me back into depression, but it hasn’t. It’s playing on my mind, naturally, but I brought my mood back up by focusing on the God who loves me.