To Trust or not to Trust?
I had a chat with my Dad this week, about recent events. My Dad is very good at giving it to me straight, not beating around the bush, etc. The subject of our conversation meandered around the difficulties of trust. My natural instinct is to trust people. I almost always believe that their intentions are good. Why would they hurt me if I haven’t hurt them? Life has taught me otherwise every now and then, but I am usually nauseatingly optimistic about these things.
Hence me getting into a snotty, sobbing mess when my trust is broken. Then I get angry and say I will never trust again. This stage lasts approximately five minutes. Give or take a sobbing rant or two. But then… ah, well, then I start to trust again. Against my better judgement. They will have learnt this time! All my instincts scream at me to trust.
So. So… About a year ago I put some safety measures into place. To remind myself why I cannot always trust, why sometimes it is better to protect myself. But as time went on, I slipped. I trusted. And then I got hurt again.
So we’re back at the beginning once more. My instincts are screaming out at me to trust, regardless of the way I’ve been hurt. Groan. Some people never learn, you know?
My Dad later sent me a text saying this:
‘Not wanting to trust’ is a survival instinct but ‘wanting to trust’ is not an instinct but instead a learned, socialised behaviour. Instinct is to protect. Trust is a learned, social expectation… which is, in some cases, best overruled by instinct.
Interesting. My response was this:
I would have said that it was the opposite. It is a natural instinct to trust. Look at babies – they trust instantly. Our experiences teach us not to trust so that we can protect ourselves.
So there we have it. Two opposing arguments. Both resulting in the same thing, essentially – we have to protect ourselves by not trusting everyone. But I do not think that that is a natural state of being. Coming from my own particular brand of Christian worldview, I believe that God created us to live in harmony with each other, in the perfect world that he originally created we would have had no need to protect ourselves by withholding trust. But now, in our fallen, broken, often cruel world, we need to protect ourselves. If we trusted absolutely everyone, with no misgivings, we would be hurt time and time again. We must protect ourselves. But I do not think that this is what God intended, I think that this state of affairs leaves God broken-hearted.
What do you think? Is the desire to trust a natural instinct or a learned, socialised behaviour?
What an interesting question. I agree with you that in the world God intended, we would unreservedly trust everyone. Often to trust people whom everyone else deems as untrustworthy and suspicious can be hugely empowering and healing for all concerned. But is can also be very risky.
And as I’m sure you’re aware, very inward-looking, utopian and millennial faith and social groups (eg the Children of God, many kibbutzim etc) preach an unquestioning and unquestioned trust in others. Does violence, abuse or relationship breakdown happen less often in such societies? Whereas there’s no conclusive evidence, anecdotally it seems that it doesn’t.
Equally, though, I wonder whether the relentless reliance on structures of child protection and community safety initiatives really makes society a safer place. Generally, I suspect not. Those who want to do dreadful things will always find a way to abuse even the most minimal of trust.
So I suppose it comes down to a balance between radical trust and thoughtful realism. The Golden Mean, or something. Or this whole thing termed discernment, which I’ve never really had a clue about.
I would agree with you. Trust is the natural instinct. I was very trusting and I have had to teach myself to trust no one. I do not even trust my mother or father.
Thanks both. I get the feeling there are probably many different takes on this subject.
Hi Karita,
I would have to say that biologically mammals do not have a natural instinct to trust. It is too dangerous of a world for little helpless mammanls to trust others. Some are only safe with their mothers. Others not even safe from abuse and death and harm from their mothers.
When I was in college I took a course on Child Development, the child pyschology course. And in the studies from the book that showed the different levels of physical and psychological growth and health, it was obvious that babies, toddlers and children are very cautious and scared around other people. We are slowly socialized to being around strangers and others. A child that very nervous around strangers is the standard. A child or baby that goes up to everyone and engages with them is a child that has not been properly parented and probably has attachment issues as well as a history of abuse. So that is my textbook answer.
Kate
Maybe a key word in the question is desire…? It’s a tide pulling at the heart with every breath.
I think, maybe, another perspective might help since it helps me on this one. Rather than making it about trusting other people, externals etc. all the time. I’ve started taking the time to ask whether I trust myself, my own decision. Because I find that when I look back at the times I did trust myself – even if it didn’t turn out perfectly – those are the times that my heart didn’t break. Those are the times I could still face ‘G-d’ knowing that I need not have ever wondered if I should be withholding anything at all.
Sometimes I think my heart has merely been gifted to me. And it’s not so much a loan I have to pay off but a living organism I have been given permission to care for in my own way.
Sorry this waffles a bit. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject and they’re not in much of any order really
I don’t trust, as a rule. Using humour and sarcasm to avoid getting into situations where I would have to trust and in doing so, rely on someone. It’s learned to a degree, although I remember from very early on being cautious of people. They’re so darn unpredictable! I think it’s about finding a balance, not chosing to be extreme either way. Trust is the stuff which makes a relationship a valuable and enriching experience, but too much and you leave yourself open to trouble. These days I give 2 chances and then get out. I’ve learnt the hard way too many times to keep doling out opportunities to be screwed over. Some relationships are toxic, those are the ones which should be cut short or approached with caution. I think deep down we all know who we can and can’t trust.
Lola x
Lola, Kate, you’re both right. I do know who I can trust and who I can’t, and it’s the latter that is doing my head in. Oh well, such is life.
CK – what an intriguing reply! Not waffle at all, but I may have to take some time to think about it.
I have to take your dad’s side on this. What more, I’m going out on a limb here and am going to openly disagree with you about the babies thing.
First of all, if babies trust so much, why all the grunting and wailing? Secondly, I know plenty of kids who can’t stand to have their fingernails clipped because once upon a time before memory could have possibly kicked in, someone who loved them took the tip of their teeny, weeny finger off. I mention this because once I did this to an infant (not Secret Lulu) and that infant, while happy to let me clip the nails time one, freaked out in a huge way when I tried for time two. I had to bite the nails off with my teeth. By the time Secret Lulu came around, I just started with the nip-to-clip method to avoid the trauma.
Surely the grunting and wailing is to get something they want or need? And the second thing, about the nail clipping, the baby in question was fine with it first time round, and only disliked it after a bad experience, then the baby learned not to trust.
There is a very fascinating discussion here, and it’s not something I’ve often thought about. I don’t know how much I’ve got to contribute to the conversation, except to say that I generally trust, but I try to be careful of who I trust with my heart, with my innermost secrets. I think I agree with you on the baby thing, a baby (and this includes baby animals) has no choice but to trust at first.
Hope you don’t mind me linking to your blog. I’ll remove it if you want.
Miss B Have, of course I don’t mind. The discussion is fascinating!
Wow what a great topic and discussion!
I agree with you, Karita, that God’s perfect world is one in which nobody has a reason not to trust. But remember Eve in the garden? she had to decide whom she was going to trust! The serpent came along and told her to trust it instead of God, and she stopped trusting the one who gave her every reason to trust, and trusted the one who gave her no reason to.
Further, it’s very interesting how God only tells us to trust HIM.
I think our longing to be able to trust is great, but our fallenness and the fact that we can’t even trust ourselves all the time cause mistrust. To me, it’s a struggle. I want to trust, God, hubby, close friends, etc… But I find myself doubting, withdrawing trust little by little. So I don’t know which to call learned behavior and which to call instinct…
Madame, what a great insight! In my current situation I have definitely withdrawn trust completely, but it goes against the grain to do so. And it makes me wonder how I will feel x number of months down the line when my instincts tell me to trust again. Ah questions, questions!