Stability

I’m feeling happy, people. Really happy. My mood is stable and has been for nearly two weeks (apart from one teensy little blip). I’ve started exercising every day and I’m proud of myself for that. I have things to look forward to.

I wrote something today and I thought I’d post it here too:

I’m still struck by how new it feels to be stable every day. Every day! Everything seems different. I’m so calm. Well, not all the time, I’m still me!

But I’m starting to see my “real” personality. I’m bubbly, but also a deep thinker. I like to ponder questions, I like to daydream. I still get nervous sometimes, but it’s not overwhelming me. I still have lots of opposites to my nature – the Cyclothymia emphasises that. Like the fluctuating self-esteem – sometimes high, sometimes low.

But I’m starting to see that even when my mood is stable I’m still full of contradictions – and I kind of like that.

I don’t feel the same need to be understood. I have always felt like I sit on the edges – people just don’t “get” me. I spent far too much energy on trying to be understood and accepted. Now I’m thinking, it’s OK to be different, I don’t have to get people to understand me straight away, possibly even ever. I just have to be. If people don’t get that then that’s not so bad.

I think that people will get the most out of a friendship with me if it’s long-term. If they’re not willing to be around for that long, if they can’t accept me, then that’s just their loss.

Some of today’s musings. Maybe I’ll turn this into a new “About” page.