Brain Dump

Rambling post with not much in the way of structure coming up…

I was up in Newcastle this weekend for my Grandma’s 80th birthday party. I love being with my family, I don’t see them that often. They’re all mad (or rather, eccentric) and I fit in very well. We went to a restaurant on Saturday night, there were a lot of us, it was very loud and chaotic. I got overwhelmed when the waiters were calling out the names of what people had ordered, and my Dad noticed. He also struggles with that sort of situation.

However, he laughed at me and said that it was odd that that sort of chaos overwhelms me, but the chaos that the family generates doesn’t. In fact, I am often the instigator of that particular brand of chaos. I told him, “but you see, I understand Smith (not our real name) chaos”. I fit with them.

Hubby and I stayed with my Grandma over the weekend and she talked. A lot. She didn’t actually stop! We were looking at the family tree and she was describing how bonkers the family has always been. That’s how my Dad describes me: “Karita, you’re plain old, stark, raving bonkers! That’s why we love you.”

I’ll stick the rest behind the wall.

We got back down South on Sunday evening and I immediately saw something my step-daughter put on Facebook, asking people for feedback: “Am I mentally ill enough to be of detrimental damage to my children?” Sigh. She’s not mentally ill, I can tell that. She’s screwed up definitely, but that doesn’t mean she’s mentally ill. It makes me writhe with anger to see her write things like that. And yet, I know that part of my anger is because my situation has encouraged her to think that way. She just sees me, and thinks if I have a mental illness than she must have, because she’s way more screwed up than I am. It makes me feel belittled. I know she doesn’t really mean to belittle me; she would rather think she’s mentally ill than take responsibility for her life. She thinks that it would give her a get out of jail free card – I’m mentally ill, so nothing is my fault, I can’t help it. Grrrrr.

As soon as I saw that I just thought, I don’t want to be stuck down here with her. I want to be where my family are, where I am understood, valued and not belittled.

One good thing has come out of it. We have decided to spend Christmas with my Dad, and not with the step-daughter as we usually do. We always put her first. Not this year. We’ve been putting her first, to our own detriment, for months now.

I was very tired at the weekend because I have had some insomnia and only got a couple of hours sleep on Thursday and Friday. I didn’t manage to study at the weekend, because my Grandma is so entertaining! But I got some done in the car on the way home so that made me feel better. So far, I’m loving the course.

I realised early on this week that the step-daughter was badly affecting my mood. I became annoyed with myself for letting her upset me. She gets under my skin. We have been so much better recently, finding a better balance, but that describes us when we are together. I am better at not letting her get to me outwardly, I am better at not responding to her verbally, I am better at spending time in her presence. But she still drives me up the wall!!!  I went so long letting her crap just wash over me but I have failed big time since Sunday night. It’s aggravated because I’m lonely. I only really have a couple of friends and we don’t meet up very often. I’m 27 and sometimes I just want to have a laugh and a few drinks. The step-daughter provides that sort of relationship because she is actually fun to be around and she’s nearby. How can you have such a love-hate relationship with someone? I like her, I care about her, I like spending time with her. I want to help her when I can, be kind to her, but it all just seems like wasted effort. But helping people is in my nature. And so is having fun! Raaa!

I’m not going to rant about all the things that annoy me about her; that doesn’t belong here. I just wish I could not allow her to affect me like this.

I snapped badly at my boss on Tuesday. Then got all shaky and tearful after, thankfully not in her presence. I know this crap with the SD has been playing on my mind and affecting me more than I wanted to admit.

I get so frustrated. The situation seems to go on and on, and never ends. She hasn’t changed at all in the 2 and a half years that I’ve known her. She probably never will change and it goes completely against my personality to admit that.

As I said before… anywaaaaay… I got a lot of work done yesterday which made me feel better. I’m starting to feel more level. I’ve also made an appointment for next week to see my GP again, to review the meds. Sorry for my sporadic posts. I can’t promise that’ll change at all! I have lots of less introspective posts kicking around somewhere in my head bit I never seem to get them typed up.