When the going gets tough?
Things have got bad. Really bad. So many specifics that I just can’t go into. Getting this off my chest whilst attempting to remain vague will be a challenge, but if I can’t write about my life here then where can I?
It’s the step-daughter. Of course it is. It always is. Things got bad a few months ago and we’re dealing with the fallout now. Hubby and I stayed at her house last night. For reasons I can’t go into. While we were there she started criticising her dad (he wasn’t in the room at the time). I told her very gently that I know she’s going through a rough time but I can’t listen to her saying bad things about him. She lost it with me, shouting, banging things around. I must be psychic or something because I just knew something like that would happen. I was agitated all day yesterday because I knew she’d overstep the line.
We went to bed as soon as it happened and left when we woke up this morning. I didn’t see her. She has been abusive towards me before. I have always removed myself from the situation. I couldn’t do that last night. We had to stay there.
Hubby went round to see her this afternoon. Asked her if she wanted us to be there again tonight. I was prepared to do it. But apparently I am self-involved, make everything about myself and I wind her up when I’m in her house. This from the most self-involved person I have ever met. It’s classic transference. I stand by what I did. She can piss on me all she likes but she will not piss on him. Not after everything he’s done for her.
I am just struggling to take in the sheer selfishness of it all. She lost it with me about six months or so ago, and I honestly did absolutely nothing to provoke it. I left. Later on she told hubby that she knew she was in the wrong and said she would apologise to me. She never did. I have never made her feel bad about that. After a few weeks I went back to her and have been there to support her ever since. I got some money for my birthday and spent all of it and more taking her and all her children out for dinner at a really nice restaurant. We spend our weekends with her. We have spent Christmas with her for the last two years and been thoroughly miserable because of it. I keep my mouth shut no matter how much she irritates me. We always put her first. I have spent the last two and a half years just doing whatever I can so that she knows she’s loved.
We listened to her drivel on about herself for five solid hours last night. She didn’t let up once. I listened and comforted and hugged. I gave her one of my tablets to help her sleep. I reassured her that things will get better. Then I very gently and calmly set my boundaries and she didn’t like it one little bit.
I won’t be spending any more time with her.
Now, of course, the problem for me is, what is love? I told myself I would love her no matter what. But I actually think I hate her. I have never hated anyone before. Not my step-brother who was physically abusive to my Mum. Not my ex-boyfriend who treated me extremely badly. But now? How do I deal with this? I can work on forgiveness, but it will take time. I can’t keep putting myself back into this situation, no matter how loyal my personality makes me. But how do I deal with this? Somebody please tell me, how do I deal with this?
This certainly is a tough situation, being a step parent always is. I had a step father, actually a few, and it was always tough. I remember knowing that I wasn’t their daughter and always felt like a second class citizen when compared to his children or even with my own mother. It’s like, she belonged to him, but I had the different last name and felt like an outcast. I remember just wanting to be loved by them. I was also a big thorn in my step father’s side. I acted out quite a bit towards him, I think it had more to do with my parents divorce and my non existent relationship with my own father that drove me to act out. I would ask you to consider that although she is terrible towards you, her issues may not actually have anything to do with you personally. From what you described, you have done everything to make her feel loved, maybe now it’s time to step back, and remove your self from the situation for a good while. You are in no obligation to suffer abuse from her of any kind and if spending time in her presense actually makes you stressed out and makes you miserable, then I wouldn’t go for a while. She will notice that it’s just dad visiting and I am sure that when she asks where you have been your husband will defend you and let her know that you just don’t want to be around someone so angry. Stop bending over backwards to please her, it’s back firing on you. Remember this…. you teach people how to treat you. I am sure that she knows you are a special, wonderful, loving, giving person. She just hasn’t experience the fact that you are not willing to put up with her crap yet. I hope this helps.
I will be praying for your relationship.
RG, she has experienced that I won’t put up with crap from her. And she won’t ask where I am. But thank you for your kind words. You’re right, I have to step away.
I am glad that she knows her boundaries with you, that’s good! People who are mean to others have a self hatred issue. I will pray about this because I know this girl needs you in her life. I have learned a valuable lesson about love today. Love never ends and when people are at their worst, is when they need love the most. You will be victorious, you just need some time away to regroup. Keep your eye on Jesus, he will get us through our storms. xoxo
I don’t know, maybe you were right the first time. This may have been the first time I have ever openly showed my boundaries to her. Either way, I’m getting a little bit sick of being bullied. XXX
Ask God to reveal to you what he is trying to show you or teach you through your relationship with her, take some time to heal. Forgiveness is a process and doesn’t happen overnight. Just take some time to heal your wounds, it’s ok to take the time you need to re-group. I’s Ok.
Remember, bullies
whoops, bullies are nothing but scared, small little people. They bully as their “front”. She is not strong at all, and her bark is much worse than her bite, she just wants you to think she’s a bad ass, when in reality she is nothing more than a scared little girl.
Wow. What a mess. I hope things are getting better. Sometimes no matter what you do for a person, it is never the right thing. I don’t know the whole situation but sometimes it’s good to take a step back and remove yourself from it.
Hi Mr Blue. Well, I am definitely removed from the situation now as she has cut herself off from me completely, cut off my contact with her children… in short, made it like I never existed.
Ho hum. I’ll be OK.
Sorry she is acting so immature. She is only hurting herself more. Her actions have nothing to do with the loving person that you are.
Thanks, RG. XXX