Brain Dump

So the step-daughter deleted and blocked me on Facebook, and did the same thing to every member of my family, including my teenage sisters. Now she can wallow in bitter self-pity for as long as she likes without any of us seeing. I’ve been cut out completely, I can’t see her children, it’s like I never existed. Ah well, such is life.

I’m depressed. I mean, I can laugh, I can joke, but don’t ask me to have any enthusiasm for anything right now because my brain appears to be unable to fake that. I’m faking everything else though. Oh yes, I’m fine… nope, I don’t care what she thinks of me… Isn’t church/work/studying great?… On and on. Getting a bit tired of telling everyone I feel fine though. I keep dropping out of things because I can’t face plastering another smile onto my face and pretending that this has all washed over me, the bullying means nothing to me because I’m strong. Strong strong strong. Yep, that’s Karita. She’s strong. Copes very well with shit like this. It’s weird, isn’t it, that the more you are screaming on the inside the more people seem to think you’re “looking well”. Oh Karita, you’re looking so much better than you were a few months ago, you look really happy.

My Dad made me laugh last night and I thought to myself that I did suddenly feel better. I woke up this morning thinking I felt better. But you know, I don’t. It’s all an act. Last week my Mum said, don’t let this knock you, Karita. Of course I won’t, Mum! I’ve come too far for that. Haha. I fake my way through my days at work and then I go home and watch telly all evening before finally flopping into bed before beginning the whole charade again the following day.

And the strange thing is, I don’t even really care what the step-daughter thinks of me. I have zero respect for her, after all. But I have worked so hard at this relationship for two and a half years. And now it’s all gone. I find myself staring into space, just going back over the same old crap over and over again, the same refrain banging uselessly against my head, “I hate her”. But I don’t think I do hate her, I’m just struggling to accept the fact that I’m out of their lives. After letting my life revolve around hers for so long I’m not entirely sure how to adapt to the sudden vacancy.

How nice it must be in her world, a world where you can blame everybody else for your own unhappiness, a world where you never have to take responsibility for your actions, a world where you can lash out at your nearest and dearest and then accuse them of being selfish. I, however, know that I can’t blame her for my depression, for my obsessive thoughts. I am responsible for my own actions, my own thoughts. I can continue to obsess over her, play the same tired old scene over in my head over and over again, or I can just suck it up. Now, would anybody like to tell me how to do that?