Brain Dump

Being an adult isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

All this crap with the step-daughter has made me not only depressed but also on edge. I can’t deal with criticism at all. I have all this pent up aggression which I’m trying to just let go of, and while I am letting go of it I need people to just be gentle with me. But my boss doesn’t seem to know the meaning of the word gentle.

I dealt with a difficult situation at work last week and was proud of myself for doing well, staying calm and polite but firm, and my boss still found something to criticise. I burst into tears. How embarrassing. It’s not the first time we’ve clashed. Twice before I have snapped at her and apologised both times. We have talked about how to work together better, have gone into what my triggers are and how we can avoid tantrums and so on. But I realised last week that I’m not strong enough to cope with workplace conflicts right now. My ability to cope with it is just non-existent.

So I went to Human Resources. I mean, my boss made me cry and then the following day pretended like it never happened. Now, if I make someone cry, even inadvertently, I apologise and rectify the situation. I have come to the conclusion that she simply doesn’t know how to handle me and is freaking out about the whole Bipolar thing. So I had a little chat with HR and the woman I spoke to is Bipolar! You can’t make this stuff up. She advised me to do things by the book. For my own protection. She has seen this sort of thing before, someone gets a bad feeling but doesn’t act on it and a few months later the whole thing blows up big time. So I’m being referred to Occupational Health (something I have resisted before) and we will talk about how to make my workplace a healthy environment for me, etc. The woman from HR was diagnosed with Bipolar 3 years ago and understands, so I trust her advice. She said that she wants me to be protected and she is concerned about the situation. She thinks I shouldn’t have to be dealing with workplace conflicts that result from ignorance about mental illnesses, at the same time as trying to fight my way out of a depression.

I had a chat with my boss the  next day and asked for us to talk it through, with someone from HR to mediate. She actually thought it was a good idea! But then, she loves procedures and systems… She still made me feel like it’s all my fault, even though she could clearly see that my hands were shaking badly. Oh well, I made it clear that I don’t want her to be uncomfortable in her dealings with me, and kept it quiet that the real reason I’m doing this is to protect myself.

Hubby and I visited my family this weekend and my Mum was preaching at church on Sunday. Her sermon was very thought-provoking. One verse she quoted has been reverberated around my head ever since:

2 Corinthians 12:9

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I don’t have to do this by myself. Paul, who wrote this, referred to the thorn in his side. He pleased with God to take it away from him. And the above was God’s response. I can’t see God or feel God when I’m depressed. I can’t seem to find him. It feels like I’m dealing with everything on my own and messing everything up. I just feel like I can’t do this anymore. It’s to hard. But I know that God is still with me and He will help me if I rely on Him. So I’m going to write this verse on a piece of card and stick it to my computer screen at work.