Brain Dump

There are thoughts. Lots of thoughts. Lots of words. Lots of feelings. But not much sense. Perhaps I’ve been holding onto them for too long. I gave up even trying to make sense of them, I just decided to wait it out, wait for time to heal or the medications to do their job.

I find myself trapped in a circle that I found myself trapped in a few months ago. Thinking the same thoughts. I find myself staring at the screen, unable to type. I can still function, I can still work, I can still pretend that nothing is wrong. I can even pretend to myself that nothing is wrong. Don’t really believe myself though.

What to type? What to type? I have the urge to spit out some of my thoughts. But I warn you, they may not make much sense.

In a homegroup meeting as we were studying the Bible I was my usual self and blurted out some thoughts, seeming to make others uncomfortable. Wishing I could pull my words back, why did you say that? Then the tears started falling and I couldn’t hold them back. I had to leave the room. I was reassured that they love me, that they know me, that I don’t scare them. But I think I do, even if it’s just a little bit. What will Karita say next?

I go to church and I panic. I go to work and I panic. I study and I panic. I talk to people, email people and I panic. So I hide from the world. I don’t panic when I’m hiding so I must be OK, right? I’m fine. Fine fine OK fine. Really I am.

But then, listening to yesterday’s sermon at church, I realised that I am back where I was six months ago. This was the pattern: Karita goes mad, mood up, mood down, mood up, mood down. Karita decides that God does not exist, because she can’t see him or feel him when she’s depressed, she can only see him or feel him when she’s hypomanic. Therefore, God is clearly a figment of Karita’s hypomanic brain. Karita then decides that God does exist but that she is very angry with him so decides not to speak to him for a while. Karita then decides that she should be speaking to God, but can’t, therefore she is a really rubbish Christian who should go and live under a rock.

This time around I have skipped the God does not exist phase. And I didn’t really get angry with him. I just stopped talking to him. Depression always pulls me away from God. But you see, when I achieved stability in the summer I thought to myself that I had learned so much in the year of crappy mental loopiness. I learned more about myself and God. And I decided that while I was stable I would reflect on this and make my faith stronger so that the next time depression hit, I would not be pulled away from God. And here I am, pulled away from God, sitting in church thinking about how rubbish I am and how I should go and live under a rock.

I have learned nothing. I’m slipping, I know I’m slipping, and I can’t seem to gather up the courage to do anything about it. Or even to face it. I talked to hubby a bit yesterday and even then I was full of the usual drivel, Oh don’t worry about me, I’m sure it will pass soon… and I mean, it might, you know? Maybe I’m getting my head all twisted up over nothing. It’s only Cyclothymia, it’s mild.