Brain Dump

I crashed. Mood went weird. Thoughts went round and round and round and just didn’t stop. They didn’t even stop when I was asleep, I kept waking up, dreaming, more waking up. I felt so exhausted.

I just wanted it all to stop. I didn’t actually do anything. I just fantasised a little bit. Daydreamed about taking lots and lots of pills. Then I could go to sleep and wake up a few days later feeling all better again.

But of course it wouldn’t happen like that, would it? It would actually resolve itself into a nice little scenario containing some spectacular vomiting and possibly worse. Possibly lots worse. And it would definitely result in me hurting my husband.

So I called the psychiatrist again like he told me to. And what was his first reaction? Can you guess? To have me admitted to hospital. He changed his mind in the end. I persuaded him somehow that I’m not as crazy as my rapid speech and pill popping fantasies implied. Instead he advised me to take the rest of the week off work sick and go in to see him. He’s squeezing me in on Friday morning. He has also called the local psychiatric unit in a hospital and warned them about me. Just in case. How reassuring.

How do I feel about this? Not sure right now. I just want to get better so I can begin to pick up the pieces of my life.