The Beginning

Just very occasionally you can find a music album that you can really identify with. Music and lyrics that make your heart sing. I found one such album in “Revelation” by Third Day. While my moods were swinging all over the place there was one song that I most identified with when depressed and another I identified with when hypomanic. But there was a song that I really didn’t get. I mean, I liked it an’ all, and I thought the singing was lovely, but I knew that I had never really felt that way. Here are the words:

Today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw, he wasn’t at all who I thought he’d be
I was lost when You found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then You came along and You sang Your song over me

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
In my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel is so much more real than anything
I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
For the very first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
For the very first time

I wasn’t looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then You came to me and You gave to me
Life and a love that I’ve never known
That I’ve never felt before

It feels like I’m born again
It feels like I’m living
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
It feels like I’m breathing
It feels like I’m moving
For the very first time
I’m living for the first time
In my life

As I listened to this song yesterday, I realised that I get it now. This is exactly how I feel. I have never felt this way before but I do now. It feels like everything is new. I have so much to process. This last year has been so hard. I have lost sight of who I am, lost my confidence in dealing with other people, in coping with my job, I have even questioned the existence of God.

But how faithful He is!

Last summer, I wrote about an experience I had at a church service one Sunday. The thoughts in my head were turning black at that point and I was suffering from high levels of anxiety. Here’s what happened:

One of the elders got up during the morning service and he said that he thought someone in the church had been thinking black thoughts. He wanted to reassure that person that God sees the depths of our hearts and all our thoughts and yet He loves us the same. I knew that that person was me.

That same elder prayed for me at the end of the evening serivce. I sat and waited, becoming more and more nervous with each passing minute. I had tears streaming down my face, I was shaking like a leaf, I couldn’t even breathe properly and I was just about to leave when he turned and saw me. He came over. All I could manage to do was to whisper, “I don’t like being prayed for”. He looked at me with such compassion and then started to pray. He prayed that I would come to fully understand the love God has for me, that God cherishes me, that I am His daughter. Then he looked at me and said that he believed I need to realise that I can be me; he said, “You are free to be you - be free. I don’t know if that means anything to you?”. I told him it does. He prayed some more then we chatted. I said that I had wanted to skip this service but I couldn’t because I was singing in the band. I had been fighting with God all the way through the service. He then told me that he was glad I hadn’t skipped because I was the person who came to his mind in the morning service.

Ten months have passed since that happened. Since then I have been on four difference anti-depressants, been diagnosed with Cyclothymia and started taking a mood stabiliser. Even though God reached down and touched me that day, even though that touch was so personal it took my breath away, I have still doubted that He exists. How little faith I have.

But now I am starting to get a tiny glimpse of what God was telling me that night. God saw my black thoughts, He saw my unbelief, and yet He loves me the same. He will never stop loving me, because I am His daughter. I am free to be exactly who I am, in all my oddities, my uniqueness, because that is the way He made me. This is why I can identify with that song. Everything is new to me. It feels like, all through this year with all the bumps and bruises I have sustained, God has been singing His song over me.

I feel like a rose bud just beginning to unfold its petals, just beginning to bloom.

I’ve a feeling in my soul
And I pray that I’m not wrong
That the life I have now, it is only the beginning

Inexplicable Giggling

Hello all! Thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post – I can’t possibly describe how much you all helped.

My mood is going back up into the clouds today, which I’m thoroughly enjoying. I can tell I’m in the middle of a mood change, because I’ve started giggling at the smallest things. And I’ve been dancing to an unknown song in my head. It’s a bit of a struggle to sit still in my office, but I’m soldiering on like a good girl.

A few updates:

• I’ve started painting again. I have some lovely acrylic paints, lots of paintbrushes, canvasses, painting mediums, and I’m having fun if nothing else.
• Last week I started writing out some wonderful Bible verses in Arabic – I realised just how effective it is to look at these verses in another language. It’s easy to skim over familiar verses and say, Ah yes, I know that one. But when I looked at them in Arabic I noticed tiny details that would usually escape me… I’ll see if I can find an example for another post soon.
• My counsellor wants me to practice a technique called mindfulness – something I have been quite skeptical about. How can I possibly force my brain to focus on one thing for any length of time? And by length of time, I mean anything longer than two seconds. However, a friend has suggested doing it as I wash the dishes. Focus completely on the act of washing the dishes, and every time I feel my mind wandering just gently pull it back to the dishes. I’ll give it a go. Apparently this is a good technique for controlling anxiety.

The whole self-esteem thing is still playing on my mind, but my brain appears to have been replaced with cotton wool, so I have nothing meaningful or profound to say about it. Needless to say, I have not made any great strides in a positive direction, but I’m trying to hold onto God’s promises in the Bible. More on that in another post And anyway, my self-esteem fluctuates according to my mood, so when I’m up, like today, I feel great about myself! I’m not fat, I’m just curvy! And curves are good. The constant mood changes mean that I see life through different coloured lenses each day.

To finish, I have been listening to this song by Casting Crowns:

over and over again for the last week or so. And then I went to music group practice on Tuesday evening for the first time in three months. Guess which song we sang? Yep, that one. Admittedly, we absolutely slaughtered it, still… The words are wonderful so I’ll pop them here:

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You?

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

And I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I can only imagine

I sometimes forget the reality of what I believe. I believe in a person. How will I react when I finally see Him? I have always longed for Him to give me a hug. A real, wrap me up in your strong arms, bury my face in your shoulder hug. But I wonder how long it will take me to get off my face before His feet to receive this hug.

Will I sing? Will I cry? Will I laugh? Or will I just bow before Him in wonder?

I find that my belief sometimes gets cast into the realms of theoretical ponderings. What does faith mean? What does discipleship mean? What does the incarnation mean? Salvation, redemption, justification, sanctification, grace…

The reality is that my Jesus is drawing me slowly, painfully towards Himself. Right now I’m not even sure what that means. But I find myself today looking forward to the day when I meet Him and all my sin falls away. When everything becomes clear. When this is just a distant memory. When all my fears and failings cease to paralyse me.

But that’s not enough. I want to meet this Jesus again now. I want to find the reality of Jesus again. To learn from Him.

Learning

What a weekend. I have been up and down like a yo-yo. I will try to express some of it here…

I had Friday off work because of a slight stomach upset. I was feeling a lot better by Saturday, which was good as Mr. Razzler and I were going to a friend’s barbeque. It was good fun. I met my friend’s boyfriend for the first time and found that I really liked him. We had a conversation which made me feel alive. We didn’t really talk about very much, just bantering really. We compared our taste in music, and we listened to Muse. Loved it. I couldn’t stay too late because I was singing at church the next morning. I told him this, which brought about a little conversation about faith. I didn’t push it – that’s not my style – but it was good.

I listened to Evanescence on the way home. I love that band. I don’t find I can listen to them all the time because their music isn’t exactly uplifting, but the lyrics sooooo expressed how I have been feeling for weeks. The evening, conversations, music and dancing all made me want to fight back.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul
My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

[Wake me up]
Wake me up inside
[I can't wake up]
Wake me up inside
[Save me]
Call my name and save me from the dark
[Wake me up]
Bid my blood to run
[I can't wake up]
Before I come undone
[Save me]
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Then Sunday came along. I woke up and within minutes of getting out of bed I was struck down once again with excruciating stomach cramps. I knew there was no way I’d be able to make it to church in time to practice the songs before the service. Good thing I’d got the times wrong then, wasn’t it? We were singing at the evening service, not the morning one. I played this song over and over again, and slowly my body relaxed. I made it to church. I wanted to go, even though my body felt like it had been wrung out a few times. I was so upset. My stomach had been so much better the last week or so, and I was just terrified of starting the whole cycle again.

I had gone from relaxed and fighting back to frightened and tense overnight. That’s when I turned up to the evening service. I was singing, which was a bit of a strain as I felt worn out and bruised. The last time I had horrid stomach cramps my stomach muscles were strained and sore. This time it feels like I have actually bruised my ribcage. I mean, how is that even possible? The intestines and the ribs aren’t related! Mr. Razzler said it is probably because when I am in that much pain my whole body tenses up. I guess the aches and pains that come afterwards are only natural.

But suffice it to say, my body and my mind felt like a wound up spring. And what did the pastor choose to preach about that night? Rest. Our inheritance. Consider this:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 

1 Peter 1: 3-9 

This is what we look forward to. A room in our Father’s house. An inheritance that never fades, spoils or perishes.

But we have part of this inheritance now. A deposit:

Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

Ephesians 1: 13-14

I’m getting to my point, I promise, in a roundabout kind of way. ;) I’m not going to say much about the Holy Spirit – that would make this a very long post! But the pastor said in his sermon that we can find rest, heavenly rest, now.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11: 28-30

This powerfully reminded me that I can look to Jesus for rest. I felt so tight. In that passage Jesus was talking to those who were burdened and weighed down by legalism. I must do this, I must do that. The consequences of legalism are guilt and frustration. I know about that. I don’t follow the rules laid out by the Pharisees, but I do put my own rules upon myself. By comparing myself to others all the time I am just making myself feel guilty. I can never live up to their example. I’m not as good as her, I’m not as funny as him, I’m not pretty, I’m not insightful, I can’t write, I haven’t got a wonderful, fulfilling job… and on and on.

Conclusion: (See? I told you I’d get there eventually!) How do we find this rest? “Learn from me.” That’s my task. To learn from Jesus and figure out what this means.

I am weak but God is strong

This is such a beautiful song of praise to God. Forever God is Faithful. Turn it up loud and soak in the words. It refreshes the soul. Listen to what comes before and read what comes after. Sing. Dance. Get down on your knees.

My heart is steadfast, O God;
       I will sing and make music with all my soul.

Awake, harp and lyre!
       I will awaken the dawn.

I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations;
       I will sing of you among the peoples.

For great is your love, higher than the heavens;
       your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens,
       and let your glory be over all the earth.

Psalm 108: 1-5

Drown those pesky butterflies!

When I was a student my flatmate was always perplexed by me because I when I was studying I would always play music. The louder the better. She just couldn’t understand how I could concentrate. But I find that my mind goes all over the place in the quiet and I can focus easier with music on. I love to feel it pumping through the floor, so loud that it drowns all my thoughts.

If I could play music in my office it would help me to get on with my job and stop thinking. One of my colleagues does just that but I don’t think my boss (who I share an office with) would be too chuffed if I started too. However, she’s out of the office today so I have various bits of music playing. It’s helping to prevent the butterflies in my tummy from turning into bats.

An example of what I’m listening to: The Importance of Being Idle, by Oasis.

How Far?

I know I’ve posted this before but it describes the state of my heart so well.

East to West, by Casting Crowns:

Stability

I am trying to keep my emotions stable. When I feel them going downwards I think back over what happened on Sunday.

It’s hard work and I’m not doing very well. Yesterday I just kept going round and round thinking about my job and wondering what I really want to do with my life. I have an inkling but I have no idea how to get there. But I forced myself to take it one tiny step at a time, and my mood stabilised.

Then I got home and realised that one of our bills has gone from £50 to £142 per month. I crashed back down to the ground with a huge bang. This effectively means that we will have no spare money ever. EVER. We can’t afford to go to the cinema or to have a romantic meal out. And we were planning on going to Damascus for a holiday next year. I thought that if we could manage to keep back £50 each month then we would be able to afford it. We have to kiss goodbye to that idea. I won’t be able to afford to go back to the city I fell in love with.

To say I became angry is to put it mildly. But straight after finding out this little gem I had to go and sing at our church worship group practice. I stood outside the church and smoked a cigarette. I took deep lungfuls of air (and nicotene) and tried to calm down. But I needed to keep some anger because if I let it all go I would have cried and there was no way I was going to let that happen. One of the more perceptive members of the band asked me if I was OK. Of course I said yes.

We sang. My mood eased up gradually over the evening. Singing always helps. Here are some of the words which penetrated my bruised mind:

Jesus, we enthrone you
We proclaim you are king
Standing here, in the midst of us
We raise you up with our praise

And as we worship build a throne
And as we worship build a throne
And as we worship build a throne
Come Lord Jesus and take your place

___________________________________________________

How long
Before your glory lights the skies?
How long
Before your radiance lifts our eyes?
How long
Before your fragrance fills the air?
How long
Before the earth resounds with songs of joy?

__________________________________________________

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

If only we could practice every night!

I meet my Pastor tonight. Time to talk about this stuff properly. You know, I once did start talking about this, nearly three years ago, when I was in the throes of depression. That time, I didn’t start talking until I hit rock bottom. I spoke to my then Pastor and he was such a kind and caring man, as well as being incredibly perceptive. He died suddenly, not long after I started talking to him, and I never got the guts to open up to anyone else. It’s taken three years, but this time I’m not waiting for rock bottom to come crashing up to greet me before I do something.

Our God

Who is like our God?
Who is like our God?
Holy and intimate
Tender and strong
Patient and powerful
Who is like our God?

Who is like our God?
Who is like our God?
Mighty and innocent
Jealous and kind
Sovereign and merciful
Who is like our God?

(Vineyard)

Be Calm

I am calm. I am listening to music – Vineyard worship music, to be exact. I can feel strong emotions bubbling but I’m keeping them in check. I want be close to God again. Music brings Him closer to me than anything else. So I’m pottering about the flat, cleaning out the hamster, reading a few blogs, chatting to Mr. Razzler, with loud music blasting out in the living room, probably pissing off a few neighbours!

I have my doctor’s appointment on Monday. Not sure how that will go. I see my Pastor on Wednesday. I’m actually looking forward to both these things! It feels productive.

The album I’m listening to is Hungry. It’s very good. I haven’t listened to it for ages. But as I was just typing that it started skipping so I have now put another album by the same band on, Come, Now is the Time. It’s not a new album by any means, but it is one of my favourites. It soothes me and helps me to focus. To listen to simple words of praise to God and to hear music surrounding me, to feel it through the floor, is like nothing else on earth.

Cry of my Heart

I call out to You, my Lord
Hear the cry of my heart
Change me to be like You, I pray
Come Lord Jesus, have Your way

I surrender
All to You
I give up my life
To live for You

I long to know you
Only you can satisfy
I long to touch you
Only you can heal my life

I can’t find peace in the things I do
I need to see your kingdom
I can’t find peace as I strive for you
I need to see your face

Hold me in Your arms
And never let me run away
Hold me in your arms my Father
Say you’ll stay, say you’ll stay

(Vineyard)

A Song and A Lesson

I had such a good evening yesterday. We had a music group practice at church – we were a bit thin on the ground as a few people are on holiday, but it was beautiful. A keyboard, a guitar and me. I sang to my heart’s content. We all listened to each other and really praised God.

For me there’s nothing quite like singing. I lose myself in music. God gave me my voice and I sing to Him.

We have a lot to learn as a band. There is a tendency to decide how we will do the song before we start and then to just do it without thinking about it. If something goes wrong it prompts a big discussion about how we did it last time and then everyone has to write it down so we won’t forget again. But last night we just went with the flow. Sometimes we messed up a little bit! But we are learning to lead and to follow. To listen and to watch. It was good.

The songs we sang were so relevant to what I’ve been feeling recently. We sang a beautiful song called From Heaven You Came:

From heaven you came
Helpless babe
Entered our world
Your glory veiled
Not to be served
But to serve
And give Your life
That we might live

This is our God
The Servant King
He calls us now
To follow Him
To bring our lives
As a daily offering
Of worship to
The Servant King

There in the garden
Of tears
My heavy load
He chose to bear
His heart with sorrow
Was torn
‘Yet not My will
But Yours,’ He said

Come see His hands
And His feet
The scars that speak
Of sacrifice
Hands that flung stars
Into space
To cruel nails
Surrendered

So let us learn
How to serve
And in our lives
Enthrone Him
Each other’s needs
To prefer
For it is Christ
We’re serving

The words of the last verse in particular helped to bring something home to me. I saw this yesterday, from a description of an INFP personality:

INFPs are concerned about living in harmony with their own feelings. In effect, this means they have a pressing need to live their lives in accordance with their values. As a result, they have a strong need to be authentic individuals who are true to themselves.

I have always known this about myself. Recently I have been disheartened by realising that most people do not share my feelings about things. How then can I live in harmony with them? But I realised yesterday, that even though I may not always be able to live in harmony with other people, that is missing the point to a certain extent. I need to learn to live in harmony with myself. I do not need to be swayed by other people.

For example, I find it difficult to be around persistently negative people. If I am for too long then I either become withdrawn or sarcastic. But then I am going against my own instincts. I am being swayed by others, like a leaf blown about by the wind. I need to remind myself that it is important to me to be gentle, considerate and kind. So I practiced last night. Mainly by taking a deep breath and not rushing in when things got sticky. I have a way to go yet. But I have to learn how to serve, to prefer others’ needs to my own, and in that way to enthrone my Lord Jesus in my life. To get upset because others don’t live in harmony with my values is a waste of time, but to learn that this is about me being authentic to myself, right down to the core, is something I might be able to achieve.

Sanctify

It strikes me that what I have been going through for the last few weeks is a battle of wills. God wants me to grow, I don’t want to grow.

I put Delirious? on this afternoon and heard this song:

Here I am in that old place again
Down on my face again
Crying out I want you to hear my plea
Come down and rescue me

How long will it take
How long will I have to wait?

And all I want is all you have
Come to me, rescue me,
Fall on me with your love
And all you want is all I have
Come to me, rescue me,
fall on me with your love

When God does meet us and speak to us, it is often not in a way we would expect. He often does not tell me what I think I need to hear. He pushes me further. This life is a process of being sanctified. Being made more like Jesus. That is very painful. It’s hard work, and I frequently think I’m not up to the task. I am sinful and selfish. I expect more from people than they are sometimes capable of giving. I am disappointed. I compare myself to everyone. I have even been comparing myself to other bloggers recently. But God tells me that my identity is in Christ. He is who I must look to for affirmation – nobody else. This is my ongoing battle.

But the wonderful thing – that I know even if right now I do not feel – is that God never expects me to give without also giving me the strength I need. He will give me the strength. There are things I need to do. I need to pray, not something I’m particularly good at. I need to talk to a more mature Christian. I need to remember.

God in my Pain

Red Wine Gums came through for me this morning, without even realising it. I have had IBS cramps all morning, since 5 minutes after I got out of bed. I haven’t had pain like that in a while. It hurts so much. I cried. I stopped the tears and worked hard to relax but still they kept coming.

Then I saw this video:

And the cramps have now gone. My God is wonderful. How grateful I am that He used RWG in that way this morning. Thank you God, and thank you RWG.

Khaled, Faudel, Rachid Taha – Abdel Kader

Another one:

Just wonderful, makes me dance madly around the room, singing at the top of my voice.

*smiles happily*