Paddling

Here are some of my thoughts from the past week or so:

I had an odd few days last week that have continued through the weekend and into today. It’s like I am having heightened emotional reactions to events. I’ll read something moving and all of a sudden my eyes are full of tears. I get overwhelmed with details at work and I feel like ripping everything up or punching a wall. But my sense of humour is spiked as well and I laugh quickly. On my way home on the train I started thinking of my sister who lives in Scotland and I got this powerful sense or memory of what it’s like being in her company and I missed her so much and so suddenly that it really took me by surprise. I thought of the two of us spending the afternoon in a pub somewhere getting gently drunk, talking and laughing.

Anyway, all this made me realise what extreme emotional reactions I was having, to events, memories, and so on. Weird. I still feel like it today. Easily frustrated by my job. Easily sparked off to tears by reading my book, which is just one of the books I used to read as a kid.

I don’t think it’s a mood episode, it doesn’t feel like one anyway. The nearest I can get to that is agitated hypomania – but the frustration is fleeting and I think it’s borne out of tiredness more than anything else. But I definitely feel … something … different.

The way I figure out if it’s a mood episode or not is by seeing if I am reacting to an actual event or not. If my emotions are one way and have no connection to events then it is a mood episode. Also, if something bad happens and makes me feel bad, but I continue to feel bad after the event has passed, then it is usually a mood episode.

But if the emotions are related to an actual event then I am reassured that it isn’t a Cyclothymic mood swing. It may be tiredness. It may just be part of what makes me me. I think that ADHD also plays a part in this. I have read that ADHD can cause more extreme emotional reactions (good and bad) in some people.

Anyway, I’m not worried about it, just observing. I am noticing that each day I’m having to work harder to motivate myself at work and to concentrate. I’ll be glad when I can have some time off to recharge my batteries before I start studying.

I had an extremely emotional weekend. My Mum got ordained on Saturday – I am very proud of her. She’s been working towards this for a long time. She is now a Reverend – I have nicknamed her The Reverend Mother. Then my step-Dad retired on Sunday, and my teenage sisters said goodbye to all their friends in the church before the whole family moves on Wednesday this week. Even Dad cried.

I was still doing my over-identifying thing with other peoples emotions. If I saw someone crying it made me cry. I’m not sorry that they are moving, I am glad they are moving. They have had a hard time these last few years. I am happy that they are moving to a new place and a new chapter. But I still felt sad to say goodbye to these people. I couldn’t tell if it was my sadness or if I was picking up on sadness from other people.

I also became over-stimulated a few times. Especially on the Saturday. There were over 100 people there. At one point I was talking and my Mum asked me if I needed the loo because I was moving my legs so much. I hadn’t even realised that I was tapping my feet and moving back and forth very fast as I talked. Usually that would be a sign of hypomania – but actually I seem to be developing a sense of if something is a mood episode or not and this time I think the answer was not. I think it was ADHD again, the hyperactive component – I got over-stimulated and got more and more hyperactive as a result.

I realised anew this weekend that I’m still at the beginning of recovery. I still don’t know who I really am, I still feel like I haven’t fully recovered my faith in God, I’m still fragile. I feel like a fragmented person. I react to different situations in different ways, most people see me as being very loud, but others see me as a bit aloof. People don’t often know which Karita they will get. There is no one coherent me. I have been wondering how to reconcile all these different parts of myself. Is it even possible? Have I been unstable for so long that I will remain erratic forever? There’s the intelligent, academic part of me, the scatty part of me, the loud, joker part of me, the sometimes harsh, sarcastic part of me, the loving, sensitive part of me, the hyperactive part of me, the insecure, paranoid part of me…

I want to be one, coherent person, who is at ease with herself.

This last week or so I have been experiencing emotions intensely. I have been thinking of this as yet another thing to get to grips with, learn to tame into submission. But it hit me last night that maybe this is who I am. A person who experiences all emotions very intensely, both my emotions and the emotions that come from other people. Maybe it isn’t something to be tamed into submission, squashed and made to play nicely… Maybe it is something to be accepted and even embraced. Maybe this is the real me.

Them’s my thoughts. Not entirely sure what to do with them. Somebody said something to me recently that I found helpful:

Before you were on meds you were in a boat without a paddle, now you are learning how to use the oars!

Stability

I’m feeling happy, people. Really happy. My mood is stable and has been for nearly two weeks (apart from one teensy little blip). I’ve started exercising every day and I’m proud of myself for that. I have things to look forward to.

I wrote something today and I thought I’d post it here too:

I’m still struck by how new it feels to be stable every day. Every day! Everything seems different. I’m so calm. Well, not all the time, I’m still me!

But I’m starting to see my “real” personality. I’m bubbly, but also a deep thinker. I like to ponder questions, I like to daydream. I still get nervous sometimes, but it’s not overwhelming me. I still have lots of opposites to my nature – the Cyclothymia emphasises that. Like the fluctuating self-esteem – sometimes high, sometimes low.

But I’m starting to see that even when my mood is stable I’m still full of contradictions – and I kind of like that.

I don’t feel the same need to be understood. I have always felt like I sit on the edges – people just don’t “get” me. I spent far too much energy on trying to be understood and accepted. Now I’m thinking, it’s OK to be different, I don’t have to get people to understand me straight away, possibly even ever. I just have to be. If people don’t get that then that’s not so bad.

I think that people will get the most out of a friendship with me if it’s long-term. If they’re not willing to be around for that long, if they can’t accept me, then that’s just their loss.

Some of today’s musings. Maybe I’ll turn this into a new “About” page.

Streaming

I had a long weekend – so nice. Yesterday was beautiful so hubby and I laid on the grass in a park for a while – I caught the sun, yay! I am now a fractionally warmer shade of pale.

I am trying to make my peace with my new curves. Not an easy task.

…

I saw my step-daughter last night for the first time since this happened. I was sooooo nervous, far more nervous than I realised. As soon as I arrived at her house I had to rush off the the loo with severe stomach cramps. Great timing! But it was OK. I had to see her sometime. She has not apologised to me and hubby thinks she was quite embarrassed when I first arrived, hence a lot of joking ensued. Anything to ease some tension.

I now feel quite torn. This is my stream of thoughts and feelings: I feel nervous about seeing her again and yet want to see her… I have missed her but relished not being around her… I enjoy her company but she makes me so angry… I love her and want to be loved by her, but I am not sure how that can ever happen… I wish she would apologise to me but I don’t think she can and I would just be uncomfortable anyway, I’m no good at making people feel bad… How can I ever trust her again? How can I ever be around her if I don’t trust her? How do I show her Christ’s love without capitulating to bullying? Unanswerable questions, methinks.

…

Church. Man, being part of a Baptist church drives me up the wall sometimes. Church meetings. They suck. All the people who show such compassion and kindness usually, become snarky, bickering children at church meetings. I walked out of one last week. Partially out of anger, partially because I had spoken up for the first time and my hands were shaking as a consequence. Change is coming in my little community of believers, and some don’t want it, and resort to bullying tactics as their last resort. I don’t respond well to that. But I have to learn to communicate without becoming emotional. Something I have to work on before the next meeting in July, one that will most likely be worse than this one was.

Essentially I am an idealist. That is a huge part of my nature, and is often laughed at. People see me as being naive, weak… enthusiastic, but misguided. I detest being seen that way so much that I often hide behind self-deprecating jokes and laughter. But the main thing that I have been working on with my counsellor is that I have been created by God to be exactly the way I am. I am unique. I have to learn to accept that, and learn to be able to speak up when I feel a prompting from God, without the fear of rejection.

…

So these are some of the thoughts that have been bouncing around my head this weekend. Sorry if they don’t make much sense.

Back to work tomorrow.

Rambling Reflective Rumblings

It’s lunchtime, and instead of going outside for a cigarette as is my usual custom, I’m staying in my office by the radiator and taking the time to update my blog. The weather is appalling here; howling wind and rain, so inside is much better than out. I have a cup of coffee and a little bar of chocolate, so I’m all set.

Except for the necessary spark of imagination, it would seem. Since writing that first few lines I have been distracted by a passing bird, an online game and Facebook. You see, this horrible rain doesn’t make it easy to remember the sun-drenched land of Syria. So instead, I shall write some vague musings I’ve had over the weekend, and see if what comes out makes any sense at all.

I went to church last night (had to because I was singing, otherwise I might have stayed inside…) and was told by one woman how refreshed and relaxed I looked. Well, that’s nice. And I realised that I was indeed refreshed, because I had had a lovely, lazy weekend. The only person I talked to was Mr. Razzler (not including a few fictional TV characters, of course - I tend to get quite involved in the storyline). We had a trip to the pub, I got my nails done, we watched fireworks out of the bedroom window… In short, I realised once again, that although I am a sociable person, I am, in essence, an introvert. I enjoy time alone. I come out feeling invigorated. I shouldn’t be alone too much as I can turn into a bit of a hermit, and find it difficult to crawl back out of my hole, but a quiet weekend here and there is wonderful.

Another realisation I had at church last night was that only a few people can see past the facade I present to the world. I joke, I laugh, I’m bossy and opinionated. One woman in my church seems to be permanently torn between wanting to laugh, and wanting to chastise me. As I came home I mentally went through the people who do know, do like me, and do seem to see something of what lies beneath my slightly crusty exterior. It did make me feel better, but my mind kept dwelling on those that don’t know me. Sigh.

For a closer look at some of what lies beneath said exterior, go here and here. There dwell some INFP musings, by some people who were unhappy with the INFP profiles that already exist on the Web. I get this, as we do sometimes seem to come off as somewhat soft and more helpless than we actually are.

More of my not-quite-realisations-probably-more-like-half-hearted-musings are about the subject of my intimacy with God, having listened to a profoundly challenging sermon on this subject last night. Oh dear. I have a lot to learn. However, my thoughts on this subject are not gathered enough to write down, so you are spared my insubstantial theological ramblings this time.

Challenge for this week: Keep my mood stable and stop myself from plummeting into apathetic misery. The hyperactive highs I can deal with, the tear-filled lows are not so good.

Retreat! Retreat!

I have been thinking a lot lately about emotions. Or more specifically, how I seem to be ruled by my emotions. Let me give you an example: I can come into work feeling perfectly chirpy, having listened to some great music on my way in. Then the moment something goes wrong at work I’m down again, wondering why I’m doing this job. And then my boss will say something nice to me and I’m back up again, thinking about what a great boss I have and everything is right with the world. Honestly, it’s exhausting being me, you know!

Recently I have just wanted to retreat from the world. Run away and hide under my duvet. I have been ignoring calls, texts and emails. I have avoided talking in any depth to people. I smile and say everything’s fine, then slope off back home and have a bit of a cry. Or just curl up in a corner feeling nothing but relief that I don’t have to talk to anyone for another day. The only exception to this rule is Mr. Razzler; I could spend all day with him and be perfectly content.

But I’m not depressed. I don’t even feel overly anxious most of the time. But maybe that’s because I’m so used to being anxious that it has become my normality…? I do feel very tired, lethargic and, as I have already mentioned, very up and down emotionally. I keep waiting for myself to snap out of it. I mean, Mr. Razzler’s mum died a month ago, the funeral is over and done with, we haven’t had too much family nastiness recently – come on girl, liven up! I haven’t even had any direct nastiness, I have just heard about it. It’s Mr. Razzler who has had to deal with it all, not me, and he seems to be doing fine. Am I weak? Am I unstable? How do I learn to ignore my emotions and just get on with life?

And then I had a conversation yesterday with Guru (my step-mum). The main point of her comments to me was that I should stop being so bloody hard on myself! (Ah, we’re back to that are we?) Being an emotionally-driven person is how I’m wired, there’s nothing wrong with that, and actually it has its good points. Hmm, interesting. And I’m not weak, but I am vulnerable, as people are when nasty things are said about them (maybe it’s a bit like being bullied at school? Food for thought). She thinks that the reason I am having a hard time getting over this is because my emotions dwell so deep within me and I have great difficulty communicating them. They get stuck inside, and my introvert tendencies mean I pull away from the world and then the thoughts become even more locked up inside. I’m telling you, people, I’d make a really good hermit!

You know, as an aside, one way that Mr. Razzler and I are different is in our communication techniques. He speaks very briefly, sometimes too briefly, which means that people have to decipher what he means. I waffle, especially when talking about my own “inner” thoughts. It’s like my thoughts are in cloud format inside my head and I just can’t seem to make them clear when they come out of my mouth. And being a perfectionist means that I can’t be happy until I have expressed myself to my satisfaction. We are both introverts and both have difficulty expressing certain thoughts. But he is often content to let that be and I am not. Thus, the end result for me tends to lean towards babbling, complete with impatient sighs from Mr. Razzler. It’s funny how I can be pretty good at interpreting other people’s thoughts and feelings, but terrible at interpreting my own.

Anyhoo… back to the point. What was the point? Ah yes, emotions. And to stop being hard on myself. To recognise… to recognise what? Not entirely sure, if I’m honest. I have the idea in my head to explore this theme more, and try to work out the place of feelings in my life. To work out how my ever-changing emotions fit with my belief in the never-changing God. Shall we see what babbling nonsense I spout in tomorrow’s post?

PS. I will attempt some more outward-looking posts, I promise, so that you don’t get bored to tears with 30 days of introspective analysis.

The nature of things

OK, I have a few minutes to myself so I thought I’d get a blog post written.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the nature of sin. And the nature of love. And how the two go together. They always seem to be together. I’m talking here about my love for God. And my knowledge of His love for me. My love for God seemed to diminish for a while these last few months. I wasn’t on fire for Him. I didn’t think about Him all the time, I didn’t have the impulse to read my Bible. I couldn’t seem to find Him. I felt lost. I even wondered if He was even really there, or if I just wanted Him to be. Doubts, doubts.

Although I know from what I have learned that my identity is in Christ (I am who He made me to be, and Christ’s sacrifice has made me clean in God’s sight) I still compared myself to other people all the time. I have always done this to a certain degree but I reached new levels of neuroticism recently. I was constantly wondering what other people were thinking of me. I needed their approval. I was gutted when I didn’t think I received it. Other people’s opinions of me became far more important than God’s opinion of me.

A few weeks ago I started taking medication to try and control my anxiety. They took a while to kick in, and in fact I became more nervous for a while. However, during our week on holiday I was able to get some perspective. I felt my body physically relax. Towards the end of the week I was thinking more clearly. When I came back to work I was much less worried. And I started to think about how my sin pulls me away from loving God. Or how my lack of loving God leads me into sin. Which way round is it?

Red Wine Gums said recently that:

The problem when you don’t feel God in your life, when you don’t love him with all of your heart is that it’s impossible to truly hate sin.

So true. When I am feeling far away from God, that is when certain sins become acceptable to me. Like maybe having a bit too much to drink, or getting cross with somebody and moaning to Mr. Razzler about them behind their back. It just seems like it’s too much hard work to be fully committed to God. He doesn’t help me, I’m left to do this on my own, and it’s too hard. What does it matter if I don’t love this person the way I should, what does it matter if I was impatient at work today?

I got a lovely little mp3 player for my birthday. It’s great. So I spent some time walking by the river while we were away, listening to some great music. I felt calm flooding through me. I felt like I kept catching little glimpses of God. Little glimpses of who He wants me to become. But the doubts were (and are) still there. Did I really feel God or did I just think I felt him because of all the pretty trees and ducks and good music? Or because of the anti-depressants that I’m currently shoving down my throat every evening? After all, I am a very emotional person. How can a feelings-oriented person work out the difference between feelings and reality? How can I tell what is God and what is me?

Thoughts anyone?

I need to shake things up a little. My thoughts are stagnating. I have the same thought processes that I’ve had for years. I open up and express myself, then apologise for my obviously inappropriate behaviour, then I apologise for apologising, then I get uncomfortable and so does everybody else, then I spend a few days reprimanding myself, all the while longing for affirmation. I want more from myself, from my faith, but I’m afraid of it.

There is a very big difference between understanding and knowing. I can understand certain Biblical passages, concepts and truths, but do I really know them? When I met with my pastor a couple of weeks ago he encouraged me to read and pray about the passages in the Bible that speak of God’s love for me and ask God to make that become real to me. Not just something I look at and and analyse, but something I know deep inside me.

I tried to do this. I found lots of these passages in both the Old and New Testaments. I got in the bath and read some of them. I tried to look at the words and come to a realisation of what they mean. I prayed and asked God for help. And then it became a little bit too difficult and I gave up.

And that’s how it’s been. Just as I have given up something happens to remind me of my quest and I start again, but then I give up again and send my quest off the the realms of intellectual pondering. Because it’s safe there. It can stimulate my mind but it can’t touch me or change me or scare me in any way.

“Well done!” I can hear you cry. “You have officially reached the status of Prime Coward.” Yep. ‘Tis true. So I have a decision to make. I either: 1) stay a coward and resign myself to not growing or developing, or: 2) I grow a spine and sort this out.

Hmm. Option 1 is not an option, because developing my faith and character is something that is very important to me. So that leaves Option 2.

And that’s where I’m flummoxed. I haven’t got the faintest idea how to go about doing this. But I spoke to Guru today and she was the one who encouraged me to shake things up. She thinks that God may be rattling my cage deliberately in order to get me to grow. She thinks the Spiritual Director thing may not be a bad idea, could be something to look into at the very least. Or maybe some sort of retreat. Something – anything – to prompt me to stop keeping God at arms length. And I have realised that it is not just God that I am doing this to. I am keeping my own capacity for understanding, learning, adapting and developing at arms length too. I am not giving myself enough credit. Just slipping back into the same old thought processes and instinctive, habitual actions that have been with me my whole life.

I have a long weekend coming up and then a week on a barge with some friends in early September. Both will be good opportunities for me to do some reflecting. But I need a plan of attack. Otherwise I will just do what I always do: have a go and then quit and read a book instead. My ideas so far:

1. Look into some method of receiving more/different spiritual input/guidance.
2. I have no further ideas as yet.

Isn’t that a good list?

Do any of my lovely blog readers have any ideas about how I might go about ’shaking things up’? Anything you may have heard of, or from personal experience?

A Song and A Lesson

I had such a good evening yesterday. We had a music group practice at church – we were a bit thin on the ground as a few people are on holiday, but it was beautiful. A keyboard, a guitar and me. I sang to my heart’s content. We all listened to each other and really praised God.

For me there’s nothing quite like singing. I lose myself in music. God gave me my voice and I sing to Him.

We have a lot to learn as a band. There is a tendency to decide how we will do the song before we start and then to just do it without thinking about it. If something goes wrong it prompts a big discussion about how we did it last time and then everyone has to write it down so we won’t forget again. But last night we just went with the flow. Sometimes we messed up a little bit! But we are learning to lead and to follow. To listen and to watch. It was good.

The songs we sang were so relevant to what I’ve been feeling recently. We sang a beautiful song called From Heaven You Came:

From heaven you came
Helpless babe
Entered our world
Your glory veiled
Not to be served
But to serve
And give Your life
That we might live

This is our God
The Servant King
He calls us now
To follow Him
To bring our lives
As a daily offering
Of worship to
The Servant King

There in the garden
Of tears
My heavy load
He chose to bear
His heart with sorrow
Was torn
‘Yet not My will
But Yours,’ He said

Come see His hands
And His feet
The scars that speak
Of sacrifice
Hands that flung stars
Into space
To cruel nails
Surrendered

So let us learn
How to serve
And in our lives
Enthrone Him
Each other’s needs
To prefer
For it is Christ
We’re serving

The words of the last verse in particular helped to bring something home to me. I saw this yesterday, from a description of an INFP personality:

INFPs are concerned about living in harmony with their own feelings. In effect, this means they have a pressing need to live their lives in accordance with their values. As a result, they have a strong need to be authentic individuals who are true to themselves.

I have always known this about myself. Recently I have been disheartened by realising that most people do not share my feelings about things. How then can I live in harmony with them? But I realised yesterday, that even though I may not always be able to live in harmony with other people, that is missing the point to a certain extent. I need to learn to live in harmony with myself. I do not need to be swayed by other people.

For example, I find it difficult to be around persistently negative people. If I am for too long then I either become withdrawn or sarcastic. But then I am going against my own instincts. I am being swayed by others, like a leaf blown about by the wind. I need to remind myself that it is important to me to be gentle, considerate and kind. So I practiced last night. Mainly by taking a deep breath and not rushing in when things got sticky. I have a way to go yet. But I have to learn how to serve, to prefer others’ needs to my own, and in that way to enthrone my Lord Jesus in my life. To get upset because others don’t live in harmony with my values is a waste of time, but to learn that this is about me being authentic to myself, right down to the core, is something I might be able to achieve.

Development

I was proactive yesterday – I spoke to my Pastor. I asked him if he would mind meeting up with me because I’ve been struggling for a few weeks. So we’re meeting next Wednesday.

Church was great yesterday. It was a family service so it was loud and slightly chaotic and we sang some great, Biblical songs.

I feel somewhat better today. I’m doing something. I will not be overcome. I spent too much of my life never saying how I felt, keeping it all locked up inside. I am a very good actress! I can be cheery and crack jokes and tease people and they will never know how I feel inside. The Pastor looked slightly surprised when I asked to see him, and then concerned. My hands were shaking from the effort of leaving my nicely decorated box. But, in all honesty, the box has been feeling a bit stale for a while. The wallpaper is starting to peel.

I want to become a stronger Christian. I don’t want to be like a weak leaf, blown around whenever the wind changes direction. I want to be strong and steadfast. I want to be sure of my identity in Christ. I want that knowledge to take such a hold on me, and flow throughout my life, that I can be kind and compassionate to others. True compassion, which is unaffected by whatever may be thrown my way.

I think there are a few ways to go about achieving this.

• One is to go to the doctor. I want to make sure there is nothing physical causing my tiredness, lethargy and stomach cramps.
• Then I will speak openly and honestly to my Pastor. That will be difficult. I am not an open person! I keep my inmost thoughts to myself. I cover them up by apologising a lot and making silly jokes! I also bite my nails, smoke, fiddle with bits of fluff and stare at the floor. (Although, not all at the same time!)
• I am also thinking about type development. I know there are bound to be some MBTI sceptics out there so you can just skip this bit.

I emailed my step-mum at the weekend – she is an MBTI practitioner, and an INFP. She’s my guru in these matters! I explained a few things that were going through my head and she said that these are all typical of INFP Type development. Surprise, surprise! My values were established very early; I had a strong sense of right and wrong when I was growing up. It certainly made life interesting. I saw the world through a very black and white lens. That’s the first step of type development – primary function in place. The secondary function came into play as I hit my early twenties. This, for me, is my information gathering preference – intuition. I take assimilate information in a conceptual, ideas-oriented way. The two preferences, when working together, balance me out. I have my strong value-system, but I can take information in clearly. I am naturally curious and want to learn about people.

Guru said that, now that those functions are well in place, the next natural step is to start thinking about my third function: Sensing – oh, how I shuddered when I saw that! I use Sensing a lot at work – details, details, details! I can’t stand them and it’s enough that I use them in my job, but in my personal life too? What can she possibly mean?

But you see, this is what the MBTI is really all about. It’s not just giving people a handy label, with a nice profile to go with it. It’s about developing your personality throughout your life. If we leave MBTI to one side for a second, we can see that we all develop our personalities. But I have seen how so many people don’t know themselves at all, and that is dangerous. I am very self-analytical – and MBTI is a wonderful tool for that. When I first saw the INFP profile it was like somebody had been following me and taking notes my whole life. Weird. But as I have dug deeper I have realised that there’s more to me than just a profile. For instance, I have two ISTJ friends and they are nothing alike! But when I analysed them further I realised that they are both ISTJs. By looking at their preferences for organising their lives, thinking, sifting through information, making decisions. Definitely ISTJ – but still very different people. And although Guru and I are very similar and get on incredibly well, we have some strong differences. Not many people could tell by looking at us that we are both INFPs. But we are.

Right. After that brief detour… Using my third preference – Sensing. Guru said:

That could start to show up, for example as a recognition of the details and practicalities of differing values, and putting some strategies in place to manage your responses to those. Could be something as simple and practical as developing and using questioning skills to understand others’ values better, using the INFP natural curiosity as a driver.

Blimey. If I can come to a more thorough understanding of what drives other people then maybe I can start to be less unsettled when I come across values that seem to contradict my own – the path to compassion. Lots to think about. But I’m happiest that way – there’s no such thing as thinking too much!

In Everything

Isn’t it funny how sometimes you start thinking about something and then all of a sudden that same lesson starts banging you over the head everywhere you go? Like when you get glasses for the first time and suddenly start noticing all the people out there who wear glasses.

This has happened with a few things lately. One of which is the concept of giving everything to God. Everything. Pretty tall order. I mean, I hear it but do I really get it? How do I give everything to God? I listened to a sermon yesterday on the Parable of the Rich Fool. The sting in the tail of this story is that the rich man wasn’t rich towards God. I don’t think God has a problem with us doing well for ourselves, but He does expect us to give thanks to him for the good things in our lives.

You could just leave that parable there. But the person giving the sermon reminded us, what does it mean to be “rich towards God”? To give everything to Him. Ah, we’re back to that are we? Our lives should be overflowing with God. Our thoughts should dwell on Him. We should talk to Him. We should ask Him for help in those tough situations. I thought about this when I was in a situation that I continually find hard. When someone else’s worldview is so completely different from mine, should I dwell on that? Should I retreat in the face of such an immovable object? Or should I try and work out how God can be a part of this situation?

It’s a bit of a paradigm shift for me. I seem to see the world through the lens of my value system. If something constantly bangs its head against that I do not know how to react.  My idealist nature wants to try and try, even if that is utterly draining to me. The brokenness of the world that I see every day is like a slap in the face to that ever-trying idealist. It’s just too much for me to handle. So what do I do?

Well, I suppose I can try to see God in those situations. Even if He seems like He’s far away. I can try. The idealist has just taken a hesitant step backwards, with a look of uncertainty on her face. We’ll see how she copes with this.

A Post with lots of Maybes

I’m attempting to write, regardless of the disconcerting realisation that my thoughts aren’t making much sense.

I’ve been feeling quite tired for a few weeks. Lots of headaches, a recurring sore throat, lack of energy and patience, etc. It has made me wonder – will I be able to cope with studying for a masters degree as well as holding down a full-time job? Will I just burn out?

But it just hit me: maybe I’m tired because this job requires me to be very methodical, organised and attentive to details. None of those things come naturally to me, although I am becoming better day by day. The better I become at this in my job, the worse I become in my private life, haha! Good job Mr. Razzler is so good with the details.

Maybe, in order to refresh myself while I am in this job, I need to do more creative things in my free-time. Maybe I need to have a re-think of my hobbies. Hmmm.

So, maybe I will be fine when I do the masters. Maybe the stimulating subject matter, and constant brain-stretching will keep me invigorated, even when I’m tired. I hope so.

Thinking & Communication

I’m very sorry to those of you who enjoy my rambling thoughts for the lack thereof recently. Those who are irritated by the rambling thoughts – I promise I’m not offended.

I have been pondering things as usual (when don’t I?) but I haven’t been able to make them take a coherent form, so I didn’t want to blog about them. I’m a hideous perfectionist so if something is not communicated effectively enough then I get irritated. With myself and others.

This need for precise communication – where does it come from? Poor Mr. Razzler. I like to talk about the new ideas and concepts that pop into my mind. I like him to engage with me on these matters. Now, Mr. Razzler is a very practically minded sort of person. I love this about him. He can change fuses and other such useful things! We have very different personalities. I infuriate him on a regular basis because of my lack of observation skills. He’ll say, “Did you see what I did in the kitchen?” And my response is usually something along the lines of, “We have a kitchen?” He looks at me like I’ve suddenly grown another head.

However, I’m very observant when it comes to people. I notice subtle changes in expresion, body movements, etc. I notice how other people communicate and how they best understand communication, so I can often tailor my own communication to fit their needs.

But… and here’s where it gets complicated… I often struggle to verbally communicate the thoughts swishing round my own head. I can talk to someone about their own thoughts, and I can often understand where they’re coming from and help them with certain issues. But I can’t talk about myself! I get tongue-tied very easily. Mr. Razzler has pointed out (with relative frequency) that I often repeat myself. I know the reason for this. I think about everything before I talk. I have formed my thoughts precisely in my head. And am therefore often frustrated because they don’t come out of my mouth in the same way that they were when they were nestled snugly in my mind. I worry that I haven’t expressed myself adequately and the other person will therefore be left with an inadequate expression of my thoughts. I can’t bear that so I try again. And again. I’m working on this.

New thought. I’ve just been to lunch with 3 of my colleagues. I have worked out that they are all Sensing types. That’s Myers-Briggs who are unfamiliar with what that means. I am an iNtuitive type. Concepts, ideas, big picture stuff comes naturally to me. Details do not. My brain automatically takes leaps in thought; I’m not a linear thinker. You’d think, then, that S types would be very precise communicators. Not so. It’s like they sometimes get hung up on the details at the expense of the overall theme of the discussion. So… Topic A impacts on B and C. But my S friends are busy discussing A, and forget that A impacts both B and C. I often have to point this out to them. I find myself getting bored with just talking about A. I want to make the leap to B, C and beyond, with a potential detour around X!

I have to remind myself that being an N type is not better than being an S. Both are equally valuable. I must be careful to not get impatient with people simply because they think and communicate differently to me. I can be a perfectionist with myself, but I really should be more easygoing with other people.

Pffff

Ah, what it is to be a daydreamer. I love it, you know? To drift off into my own little world, where the thoughts are so stimulating. Blogging has definitely helped this, as I keep coming across more and more posts that get the old grey cells whirring. In fact, I have now found so many blogs that I don’t have time to read them all!

I have been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I had high hopes for this book, having heard many good things about it, but I confess that I am disappointed so far. Although I agree with the premise of the book – God exists – I do not find his argument convincing. I can pick holes in it. So if I was hoping that this book would help me to explain my faith better then I fear I will have to look elsewhere for help.

How are the first to paragraphs of this post related to each other? Well, they’re probably not. But they are in my head. Lots of thoughts. I am listening to good music. I can’t make my thoughts take a coherent pattern. Doesn’t make for a good blog post, does it?

*makes frustrated spluttering sound*

I’m tired and feel like I have no reserve energy. So I’m fine when things are going well but have very little patience when things don’t go well. This is particularly noticeable at work. My motivation is at an all-time low. When I feel like this I retreat even further inside my head.

I was reminded last night of the verse:

‘Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.’ (Philippians 2:14-15)

I should get on with my life and work, without grumbling or getting impatient. I am a Christian not only inside my head, where my thoughts can be free, but also in the real world, where I have a responsibility to ’shine like a star’.

How does this match up with the whole daydreaming thing? I don’t think that daydreaming is wrong. But it shouldn’t interfere with my ability to engage with the real world. Urgh.

*puts head in hands in theatrical manner*

Other People

Warning: I’m not sure if any of what follows will make sense.

Dealing with people. That’s my problem. I don’t know how to do it. So much of my interaction with people is influenced by my own ideas, expectations, and values. If people don’t behave in a way that I have deemed appropriate then I don’t know how to deal with them. I want everyone to understand how they should be acting, or even thinking. Because that is how I view life, those are my values, what I have decided is important to me. So really, I’m just trying to help people.

I’ll give you an example. I am an intense optimist. I don’t like being faced with other people’s pessimism. Especially if they are pessimistic about their own lives. I try to help them to understand that they can do whatever they put their minds to. If they are religious then I will attempt to make them understand that they can trust God, he has a plan for their lives, etc. If they are not religious then I will tone that down, and instead attempt to make them believe in their own ability to take responsibility for their lives.

Maybe this is because I am constantly re-defining my own life, or rather, re-evaluating. I always ask myself, where am I going, what am I doing with my life, etc, etc, etc. If there is something not right with my life then I analyse it until I am blue in the face, and everyone who loves me is bored rigid. But this means that I don’t just look at a situation and decide that it’s rubbish, there’s nothing I can do about it, and then wallow in a big bath of self-pity.

Therefore – back to the point – when I interact with someone who does not approach life in the same way I do, then what do I do? Sometimes I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. Like I think that people, purely by being with me for any extended period of time, will start to be more like me. They will pick up my wonderful, positive attitudes and will be more positive themselves. Because I’m such an inspirational person! (Ha. Note: some of this post is somewhat tongue in cheek)

The dichotomy here, is that at the same time as being values-driven (translation: arrogant, think I know best, how dare you be different to me, etc) I am also intensely curious about the world and all the people in it. I just love people! That’s partly why I love blogging so much, you know. To be able to read the thoughts of other people, their insights and observations – it never ceases to fascinate me. I love the variety, different experiences and perspectives. I’m also very empathetic and observant when it comes to people. I care intensely and want to help. But is my type of help really help? This curiosity and love of people seems to result in lots of angst for me. Angst? I hear you cry! You seem like such a together, balanced person! I love people, but I can’t stand them at the same time.

I keep coming back to humility on this one. I spent the weekend with my family and, you know, sometimes they drive me up the wall. There’s so many of us and it’s always noisy and chaotic, and I just want to crawl into a cupboard and hide. So I kept reminding myself – consider others better than yourselves. Just because I have my values, just because I consider a certain way of dealing with life issues to be important to me, doesn’t necessarily mean I have to force that on other people, or get uncomfortable, flushed and nervous when faced with their ‘inconsistencies’.

Anger

Right now I’m pretty angry. So angry, in fact, that my hands are shaking.

What are the things that make me angry? Not just irritated, but actually angry. Usually it is when something happens that contradicts my own internal values. What does that mean? To explain that I’d have to go into what my values are, and that may be a bit complicated. Obviously, there’s my faith, and the people I care about, but internal values are actually more subjective than those things. They are what I have deemed important to me; how I view the world is seen through these values.

My values are unique to me, and I have spent my entire life so far forming them. I do not tend to react very well when one of these values is violated. Sometimes the violation is extreme, ie. being confronted with actions that are directly opposed to what I have deemed ‘acceptable behaviour’. Sometimes the violation is not so extreme.

My blog has been made available to people who know me so I won’t go into details. Suffice it to say: I’m angry. Although, writing this is starting to have a calming effect on me.

How much anger is acceptable? And what actions resulting from anger are acceptable? For example, I do not believe that my anger excuses me to start yelling and hurling abuse at people. But do I instead keep my feelings completely to myself? Am I supposed to be a doormat? I don’t think so.

The Bible points at righteous anger. God’s righteous anger at the idolatry of His people. But is my anger righteous? How do I tell that? What if my anger is actually rooted in selfishness? Just because someone has acted in a way that does not match up to my values, does that make me right and the other person wrong?

The thing I am most wary of is that if we do not deal with anger effectively it can morph into resentment, and that is never good.

Not entirely related except inside my own head note: You know something? I hate making new friends. All the anxiety of not really knowing someone, not knowing how to behave, not knowing what people are thinking of me, and then it feels like the moment I put myself out there, the new friend does something that makes me want to run back inside my box and hide. Grrr. So, do I build a wall around myself, tell myself that I have enough friends and I do not need any more, or do I put my feelings to one side and carry on? The box is looking appealing from where I’m sitting now.

Completely unrelated note: I have a sore eye. It hurts to blink. Do you realise how frequently we blink? *drums fingers irritably on desk*