Bullets

Er… I am not really in a writing mood, or maybe I am but I don’t have many words. So this update has the lovely bullet points:

• Saw GP on Saturday. Have now changed anti-depressants – no more Tally!
• Have been referred to the Community Mental Health Team. Will have an appointment with them soonish. Something to look forward to…
• Mood is not too bad. Pretty level. No really nasty side effects from the new anti-d’s (Paroxetine), although they seem to stop me sleeping. If that keeps up there will be some nasty side-effects.
• I managed to get my boss to let me have an extra week off work after Christmas  – so I have 3 whole weeks off! Wow! The countdown has started.
• It’s our work Christmas lunch tomorrow. Free wine.
• Lunch will be followed by us all playing the War on Terror Boardgame. It comes with an ‘Evil’ balaclava – I look forward to hilarity and drunken silliness. I have been appointed Official Adjudicator – excellent, as I often develop certain dictator-like tendencies during boardgames. You MUST follow the rules!!!
• You really should watch this. Haha.

More pills, please!

I saw the doctor last night. It went better than expected. I was nervous, but could still speak and managed not to cry. Yay for me! I kept my tongue on a tight leash and just said that I am on anti-depressants, which were increased a couple of weeks ago and I am getting more agitated and nervous by the day.

At first the doctor was skeptical about the effect of the anti-depressants on me, because I am not on a high dose. I told her firmly (but politely, I think) that I couldn’t give a flying f*ck what dose I’m on, or how most other people generally react; they are making me worse and I need to get it sorted because I’m barely functioning. She seemed to take this well.

She then told me that there are various treatment paths to take. We could try changing the type of anti-depressants. But that won’t have an immediate effect. We could try anxiety medication, which is mostly highly addictive and they are reluctant to try it except as a last resort. We may end up trying mood stabilsers, but for that to happen I have to be referred to a psychiatrist. In the words of the doctor, “this may be more than just anxiety, it may be a mood disorder”.

Well, let’s give that woman a round of applause.

So, we’re starting with beta-blockers. From what I have read, they treat the physical symptoms associated with anxiety, fast heart-rate, etc., not the worrying itself. I’m slightly dubious but hopeful. At least they might slow me down a bit. That would be nice.

If the beta-blockers don’t work then we will most likely try the anxiety meds, or Benzodiazepines. They may also switch anti-depressants. If that doesn’t work then they may have to refer me. Let’s hope they work then! The doctor seemed to think I might freak out about this, but I reassured her that I’m best when I am given all the information. Hiding things from me just makes me more twitchy.

At least I have a kind of road map now.

P-P-P-Panic

I am so agitated. I embarrassed myself quite thoroughly yesterday. I came to work and spent most of the morning chewing my nails until my fingers bled. They are sore now and I have nobody to blame but myself. I got more and more jumpy until I finally decided to call the doctors and get an appointment as soon as possible to sort out this medication malarkey. Clearly, increasing the dose wasn’t the best idea. The anxiety and hyper, twitch agitation is escalating. However, the receptionist told me that I couldn’t see my doctor until the 22nd! The 22nd! I laughed and then burst into tears and started stuttering (yes, stuttering) about how I need to see my doctor and she understands me and she’s kind to me… There was really nothing the poor receptionist could do but reassure me that the other doctors will have my notes and it’s good to forge relationships with new doctors. I stuttered once more about how I get nervous with doctors and can’t talk properly and get IBS cramps in the waiting room, but eventually decided to go with it. So I am seeing a new doctor tomorrow evening.

Oh, and all this crying and stuttering was in my office in front of my boss. And other assorted colleagues. Lovely.

I have no idea what will happen with the doctor. Will she be willing to change my medication? I tell you something, though, I’m not leaving until something has been sorted. This is too much for me to cope with. I’m not coping. I cry, I hyperventilate, my heart-rate is through the roof, I can’t sleep properly, I feel nauseous, my stomach keeps cramping…

I am back at work today and trying to view my day as merely a series of achievable goals. One goal after another. Maybe I can keep the panic at bay.

Hmm

I’ve had a very interesting morning. I had an appointment with my GP this morning to review my medication. See if it’s working. Which it isn’t.

Short version: Doc has increased my dose of Citalopram from 10mg to 20mg a day. She’s also going to be monitoring my moods carefully. If the increased dose has a negative effect she will reduce it again and re-evaluate.

Longer version: She’s monitoring my moods carefully because they’re all over the place, as I have been mentioning a fair bit on here recently. I had done a lot of thinking and was coming to some utterly unsubstantiated conclusions, which (worryingly or not, haven’t quite decided yet) my doctor has cautiously nodded her head to. Those conclusions are that I may have Cyclothymia or Cyclothymic Disorder. It is, in the doctor’s words, “a distinct possibility”. A quick Google search will show you a fair amount on Cyclothymia. Basically, it appears to be this:

A milder form of bipolar disorder marked by episodes of hypomania and less severe depression, although the intensity of symptoms may change over time.

Here’s a fairly clear description.

Right now we’re just monitoring things. But I have light bulbs popping inside my head. A lot of stuff is starting to make a bit more sense than it ever has in the past. I wasn’t sure if I should mention this on here, but I decided to anyway. I’m not trying to self-diagnose and I’m not a hypochondriac – I’m just trying to make sense of things. I’m going to reflect a bit this afternoon and I’ll get back to ya tomorrow.

Introspecty Goodness

I was sky high with excitement yesterday. Happy, bubbly, full of jokes – and my heart rate was sky high too. By the time 11pm came I felt like I was at the top of a roller-coaster, looking down, knowing I was going to hit the ground hard.

Thankfully, I don’t appear to have hit the ground too hard after all – so far. I did feel a bit down this morning, but I pulled myself up again. It’s easier to remain up this week, because I have Friday off work, and I’m getting a kitty this evening!

One thing I noticed yesterday was just how much I put my foot in my mouth. I did it at work, I did it at music group practice… I told one of my friends that I should get my foot surgically removed from my mouth, but he told me that then I wouldn’t be me! Ah, bless. True, I suppose. But I would like to be able to control a little better what comes out of my mouth. Sometimes I can do it, often I can’t. As I thought this through I realised that I can’t control what I say until I can control my thoughts. And I can’t control my thoughts until I can get my moods stabilised. Making sense so far?

I’ll attempt to clarify. At the moment my moods are swinging wildly. When I’m down I just want to withdraw from everything, I hate my job, there’s no way I can even begin to tackle an MA, I avoid people. When I swing upwards again I feel like I could take on the whole world and win. I love people, I love my colleagues, I can totally do an MA. And I can swing between these two extremes in the space of less than a day. I am at the mercy of feelings, emotions and at times, adrenaline pumping through my body. If I can get this under control, then maybe I can start the long-term process of getting my thoughts under control.

I know that I need to work on my thought processes. The problem of mood swings and worrying has always been with me, just not quite so intense as it is right now. When I first started taking Citalopram again, in September, I knew that medication is supposed to be used alongside other methods. Haven’t really done much about this, to be honest. Not really sure where to begin. I’m an introspective person, but too much, at the wrong time, can just make me spiral downwards even more. Maybe I should do as Mr. Razzler suggested, and just go with the flow.

In fact, this post is drying up. These thoughts seemed so clear in my head last night, and now they’re getting fuzzy. I think for now I’ll just stick to looking forward to getting my cat.

Returning

Hi all.  So I’m back – which you may have noticed from the photos I put up yesterday. We had such a good time and I came back feeling calmer and more relaxed than I have in months. I pondered a bit while I was away, mainly when I was sitting listening to the crickets as I smoked by the side of the boat during the deliciously quiet evenings. I wrote some of my thoughts down and some thoughts are still sitting inside my head, waiting to be unlocked.

I came back to work yesterday and had a few flutterings of nerves but there was nothing to be worried about. I was calm all day! The holiday and the medication have done their job. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to decide whether to come off the meds or stay on for a little while longer. I’m not really sure what to do. I’ll let you know what we decide.

The biggest change in me is that I am feeling excitement again. I like this feeling.