The life I lead

I really can’t be bothered with a proper post so instead I’ll give you a little snapshot into my life:

I took some Nytol last night so had a decent night’s sleep for once. And a lovely lie-in this morning. Then we got up and I had toast with Gouda cheese for breakfast, while Mr. Razzler had poached egg on toast. Urgh. I can’t stand eggs. I had a hot bath and Mr. Razzler cut his hair, then we went off to the pub for lunch. We didn’t stay out long (just long enough to down a pint of cider) because the weather is absolutely disgusting today – cold, wet and windy. I bought a pack of Mars Bars and some Rice Crispies and we hurried home to warm up. I became all domesticated for the space of half an hour and made mars bar rice crispy cakes, gooey and yummy! I’m just about to take them round to Mini Razzler’s house to share with the grandspawn. I wonder if I’ll manage to get some before the vultures descend?

We were going to see a fireworks display tonight as it’s Guy Fawkes Night this week, but the weather has put a stop on that. I don’t really fancy standing knee-deep in a muddy field or getting my hair all wet as I just washed it this morning! It’s a shame though, because I love fireworks. I was terrified of them as a child and screamed blue murder if one went off within 3 miles of me. Maybe that’s why I like them so much now. The bright lights, pretty colours and loud bangs get my heart pumping and make me feel like the carefree child that I never was.

Well, aren’t you inspired by the exciting life I lead?

I Forget

I need to write. After a gentle reminder I have edited this:

___________________________

I experience God’s love for me in a tender, deeply personal way.

I forget. He forgives.

I struggle to relate to those close to me. I learn compassion.

I forget. He forgives.

I learn that my identity is in Christ. I learn that I am free.

I forget. He forgives.

I spend time with those who consider me an outsider. I learn to love.

I forget. He forgives.

I read my Bible and acknowledge its truth. I pray to God. I cry out for forgiveness.

I forget. He forgives.

I break down in tears. I am on my knees before God. I don’t understand.

I forget. He forgives.

I delight in the simple pleasures. A glass of wine. A compliment. A cuddle.

I forget. He forgives.

I reach out. I cry out. Please show me. You have removed my sin from me. I am free. You are mercy.

I forget. He forgives.

Each day a new war. God’s truth is drowned out. I’m so close to understanding. I’m so close to slipping.

I forget. He forgives.

I know I am clean in Your sight. Give me Your peace. Let me remember.

A Longing

I am tragically addicted to Friends. I’ve seen every episode at least 6 times. And yet I still keep watching. I was just watching an episode where Rachel is pregnant. She has a lovely little bump. And my uterus seemed to cry out. I know that Friends isn’t the most realistic of places to get information about pregnancy and babies, but still. A little part of me cries out. A little part of me loves these episodes most of all.

I grew up with babies. I had 3 baby sisters throughout my teenage years. I know about the poo, nappies, sick, crying. I know about the cracked nipples and baby weight. I know about the sleep deprivation. I now have a step-daughter who has 4 children, ranging in age from 4 to 15. I know about the chaos and the noise. I know about the self-sacrifice.

And yet. I still want a child of my own. My friends are giving birth all around me. Just one child would be enough for me. But Mr. Razzler and I can’t have children of our own. I have spent 2 and a half years getting my head around this. I have a strong maternal instinct. We thought about sperm donors. We thought about it all. But I came to the realisation that it doesn’t matter. Having a child that is related to Mr. Razzler and I doesn’t matter. We could adopt. That, to me, is more important. To give a child love.

But I can’t seem to stop my emotional reaction when friends of mine become pregnant and have babies.

Why am I writing this for my blog? I have a feeling I shouldn’t. People may feel obligated to post responses of sympathy. I don’t need that. But this blog is where I record my thoughts. It’s where I chart my progress through life’s ups and downs. So I will chart this. I will pray that God will help me.

Relationships

My sister, Thinkbubble, has asked me to write a post on relationships. Wow. Not entirely sure if I’m qualified to do that!

We had a conversation on the phone today about that very topic. T is single and I am married. T asked me if God wants her to be in a relationship with someone. And if so, does that person have to have a specific list of qualities that make him a suitable candidate? If not, does God want her to remain single? Forever?

My answer: I don’t know!

Longer answer: I do not know if God wants to you have be in a relationship with anyone. Or if He wants you to remain celibate. God created us as beings for interpersonal relationships. In Genesis, after God created Adam, He created Eve, because it was not good for man to be alone. God Himself is an interpersonal being. The Trinity. Three separate persons, one Godhead. (This is not going to be a thesis on the Trinity! If you want that then let me know and I’ll have a go, although I’m even less qualified for that than I am for this topic.) God does sometimes call people to remain celibate, so that they can focus their entire lives completely on Him. Paul himself says that celibacy is better – Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: ‘It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am’ (1 Corinthians 7:8). But I think that this is rare.

I believe that it is important to keep God at the centre of our lives in everything that we do. If we meet someone who we can’t stop thinking about, is that wrong? Not necessarily, in my opinion. We are all attracted to people, and I believe that that is OK. If we begin to focus on that person so much that it is impeding our relationship with God then that is a problem. If our reasons for going to church on Sundays are not only to praise God and learn more about Him, but also to see the new man we really like, then that needs to be assessed. We need to sit down and talk to God about this.

I used to think that if I prayed this – OK, God. If You don’t want me to be with this person then please take my feelings away! – that God would sort everything out. God hasn’t taken my feelings away, so He must think it’s alright – great! Not so, people. I don’t think God often works this way.

I used to also pray – God, if You want me to quit smoking then please take my nicotine cravings away. Did God ever answer that prayer? Nope.

You see, that is really a lazy prayer. We are just asking God to do all the hard work for us. I think a better prayer is – God, if my feelings for this person are becoming more important to me than You, then please point this out to me, and please give me the strength to change this.

How often do we need to pray a prayer like that! It is not just relationships that can take the place of God as No. 1 Priority in our lives. I bought a lovely pair of jeans at the weekend. They’re really nice. They look really good on me. I look really good with them on. Therefore, because I look good, I am good! There. In one short second I placed my identity in how I look. My identity should be in Christ.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, relationships. What it boils down to, in my humble opinion, is idolatry. In the Bible idolatry referred to other gods. What is another god? Something that becomes more important to us than God. This might seem simple, but we all fall prey to this. Nothing should ever take God’s place as Most Important Thing.

I don’t think this really answered T’s questions. I don’t think it’s wrong to want a relationship with someone. I don’t think it’s wrong to think about someone we really like. I don’t believe that we should make a big long list about that person’s most necessary/desired qualities, because that doesn’t leave much room for God to move. I don’t believe that God calls us all to celibacy so that we can focus our whole lives better on Him. I think that God wants us, and constantly encourages us, to give our whole lives to Him, whatever our circumstances. This is very hard when you’re single. It can be tempting to think that our relationship with God will become better once we have found our perfect match. It can be tempting to put off living life until we have found that perfect match. God may or may not give you a wonderful man/woman to share your life with. But first, you need to focus on Him, put Him first in your life. Talk to Him, praise Him, love Him, seek His will and do it. Anything else always has to take second place.

Them’s fightin’ words! For married people as well as single people.

My Church

I have attended 3 different churches over the last few weeks. 3 weeks ago I visited my mum and step-dad’s church, for my sisters’ baptisms. Last week I visited my dad and step-mum’s church on Sunday morning and my sister’s church on Sunday evening. All 3 have very different styles of service. My mum’s is a small baptist church. My dad’s is presbyterian church of Scotland. My sister’s is a very modern, large, lively baptist church. I confess I loved it there. Mr. Razzler enjoyed it too. He has a limited experience of church. The church we are part of is the first church he has ever attended regularly. He saw how vibrantly people worshiped there.

So yes, we enjoyed the service last Sunday evening. The band was good, the music was modern and bouncy, the church was full of life. You could tell that the worshipers all around us really wanted to be there. There were 4 people being baptised that night and they all had very powerful testimonies, powerful in that they told of a loving God who steps into lives and brings transformation. 

But… I miss my church. It has its problems, of course, what church doesn’t? But the people there care for me and Mr. Razzler. They love us. Because God first loved them. The pastor has a wonderful gift of teaching, and he inspires me to look more closely at the Bible and what it can tell me about my Saviour, Lord and God.

It has taken me quite a long time to become this involved in a church. To allow myself to let a church (that is, the children of God, the other random people who, like me, believe in the Lord Jesus as the Son of God, who died and was raised to life again) near me. The church I grew up in hurt my family very badly. I did not see why I should trust churches again. But the thing I have learned… what have I learned? That we are just people. People who love God, and try to live faithful lives, true to his teachings, who trust that He will help us. But we are also people who make terrible mistakes at times. Who don’t know how to forgive. Who don’t know how to love. Who don’t know how to put our selfish desires to death and put God first.

That is so important. To put God first. In everything. And we get it wrong so often. Which must be part of the reason why God wants us to do this in communities. The body of Christ, the bride of Christ, the Church. God wants us to encourage each other, to teach each other, to build each other up, so that we can be witnesses for Him. How much harder it is to live this life by ourselves.

Since coming to this church, and becoming part of it, my faith has flourished. I am no longer trying to work my faith out on my own, but rather, I have friends who help me and care for me. Friends I care for, and try to help, and who knows, maybe I do help them a bit.

So I’m looking forward to getting back to this group of believers tomorrow.

Family

Isn’t it funny the way life works out sometimes?

Mr. Razzler and I spent yesterday evening with Mini Razzler and her kids. (For new readers, Mini Razzler is first mentioned here) She cooked us a MASSIVE roast dinner, to celebrate our anniversary, followed by strawberries and freshly whipped cream. Seriously – I rolled into work this morning.

The family had got us a card, addressed to Ma and Pa. Toothy (first mentioned Toothy here, and also explained the name) drew us a picture, addressed to Nanny and Grandad.

I wonder how many other people know how it feels to become a step-mum, and a step-grandma, at the age of 24. I barely knew this family a year ago, and now they’re MY family. It still takes me by surprise. To be called Ma, to be called Nanny. To have a 4 year old boy jump all over me. To have girly rants about hips and boobs with a nearly-16 year old girl. To constantly tease and be teased by a 14 year old boy. To have a 12 year old boy draw pictures for me, and come over for a hug the moment I walk in the door.

I often feel like one on my own. I don’t know anybody who has been in this position so early in life. I have grandchildren before I have even had children of my own. I have gained a daughter, who is 12 years older than myself. And she refers to me as Ma. There are no rules for this. It is sometimes so hard. But there are the most precious moments too, which leaving me beaming.

My Beloved

Mr. Razzler and I have been married a year today.

When I first met Mr. Razzler I was a mess. I was very depressed and had made a few bad mistakes in life. I didn’t know what to do, I was messing up the final year of my degree and I didn’t know how to sort myself out. God seemed very far away.

Then Mr. Razzler crashed into my life! He was like a sunbeam shining in all the dark bits. He saw me. Saw straight through me. And I have never looked back. He is kind, gentle, compassionate, loyal and funny. What more can a girl ask for? I can’t imagine my life without him.

We are spending a long weekend with my parents in Edinburgh to celebrate our anniversary. We saw our wedding video for the first time – and the humiliation of my dad’s father-of-the-bride speech was as acute as it was a year ago. We’ve been out for some raucous meals and have drunk some lovely champagne.

Everybody has been telling me how mad I am; how my eccentricities have come out to play much more since being with Mr. Razzler. Why is this? they ask. I know the answer. It’s because I am free to be me with Mr. Razzler. He nurtures my inner mad woman and lets her roam free. He has allowed me to become comfortable with who I am so that I don’t hide myself away any more.

Mwahahahahahahaha! There is more madness to come!

But our marriage is much more than all this, fun as this is. I will love Mr. Razzler for the rest of my days. I will protect him and nurture him. I will smile at all his funny little ways. I will listen and pretend to be interested (or I’ll try, anyway) when he talks about practical things such as floor tile grouting and kitchen cabinets. I will annoy him by insisting on watching Friends whenever I get the chance. I will moisturise his back in the places he can’t quite reach. I will most likely throw at least one other plate when he tells me how I should be cooking that meal. I will cuddle up with him every night and wake up to his beautiful face every morning.

I will look forward to every new day.

A Little More About My Type

The following is taken from the Facebook application “MyType”. Note: I’m not usually a fan of FB apps, but this one isn’t bad:

INFP Strengths

• Most INFPs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:

• Warmly concerned and caring towards others

• Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling

• Loyal and committed – they want lifelong relationships

• Deep capacity for love and caring – yep, but I have a tendency to hide this “deep capacity” so I’m not sure if others know much about this aspect of my nature

• Driven to meet others’ needs – often to the detriment of my own needs

• Strive for “win-win” situations – yes, this is awful, I can tie myself in knots when I spend too much time with pessimists

• Nurturing, supportive and encouraging

• Likely to recognize and appreciate others’ need for space

• Able to express themselves well – sometimes, it depends on how emotional I am about a given topic. I communicate much better in writing

• Flexible and diverse – I’m very diverse, I hate to be boxed in

INFP Weaknesses

• Most INFPs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationship issues:

• May tend to be shy and reserved – yep, although I’m beginning to get over this now

• Don’t like to have their “space” invaded – I HATE my space being invaded!

• Extreme dislike of conflict – definitely, although I recognise that conflict can be useful at times

• Extreme dislike of criticism – oh yes, I start to shake and everything!

• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation – I think so, although I’m not very good at receiving it

• May react very emotionally to stressful situations – hmmm, this may have been said about me

• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship

• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others – yes, although this doesn’t seem to apply when I’m cross with Mr. Razzler!

• Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings – yes, only those whom I deeply trust get access to my real feelings – and all you nice people who read my blog of course!

• Perfectionist tendencies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit – yep, I get told off for this

• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders – yep

There is so much more I could write about. I am driven to work out who I am, what I’m good at, bad at, why I think the way I do, how I interact with others… to understand and to be understood, in short. So many people seem to think that INFPs are the fluffy bunny personality type – and it isn’t true. Or not all the time, anyway. We are complex, highly individual people. Maybe I’ll attempt to do a series on this.

Gasp – I can sense you all holding your collective breath in anticipation. Indulge me.

Living With IBS

It’s so wierd. I’ve been thinking about writing a post on IBS for a while now. Ummmed and ahhhhed about it. And then today I commented on another post about IBS. So I decided to write about it after all.

I have lived with IBS for 15 years. I can’t actually remember my life before IBS. Part of what follows is from the comment I mentioned above:

When cramps hit me I’m just crippled. I never know when they will hit. I never know how long they will last. I never know what causes them. I don’t know if I will ever be free of them. Times go by when I am free for a while and I start to forget. But then they come back. They visited me again last night. The only thing I can do is call my mum. (I’m still a little girl at heart)

I forget how bad the pain is, I forget that they make me sick and wobbly for hours after the attack has gone. I can’t remember what my life was like before I had IBS; it’s part of who I am. I used to beg God to take this away from me – haven’t I had my share now? But I could be so much worse off. IBS isn’t cancer or AIDS. And I think of Paul – he mentions a thorn in his side. Maybe IBS is mine (one of them anyway). At the very least I know that living with IBS has made me utterly dependent on God, and that must be a good thing.

I can’t say I enjoy having IBS or that I am such a spiritual person that every time I get cramps I think of them as a wonderful opportunity to rest upon the grace of God. I don’t. My usual response is to cry and ask God over and over again to take the pain away. He doesn’t usually do what I want.

When I was little my mum would stay with my until the pain passed. Now Mr. Razzler sometimes stays with me. Often I have to go it alone. But in recent months I have started texting my mum to ask her to pray for me. I have found that God does what she asks! Within 10-20 minutes the cramps often ease. Power of prayer? Or placebo effect?

A few years ago my doctor put me through all sorts of tests to try and work out what was causing the cramps. She couldn’t find anything. Nothing. Nothing causes them. Except stress. Nerves. Something I have always struggled with. So maybe I just trust my mum’s prayers, this calms me, and therefore the cramps pass.

I’m not sure. But I know I serve a gracious and loving God who cares about me. The cramps serve a purpose. They force me to trust God and this brings me closer to Him.

Thinking

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. What am I going to do with my life? I used to be so sure. I went to the Middle East, lived there, studied there, loved there.

My life is so different now. I am so different now. More certain of who I am but less certain of what I want to do. Why am I here? What does God want from me?

I studied Arabic and Islamic Studies at university and loved it. Sometimes. It was kind of a love-hate situation. The language is so beautiful but so complex. Sometimes I loved that complexity, sometimes I hated it.

Islam. Never ceases to amaze and fascinate me. The similarities and differences between this faith and my own. I was the only non-Muslim on this course at uni and I was therefore at somewhat of a disadvantage. Concepts my classmates took for granted were so new to me. I tried for 4 years to wrap my head around it and I didn’t quite succeed. Now people come to me for advice about Islam and I am sometimes at a loss. And yet… still fascinated.

I realised about 3 years ago that what drives me is the desire to help people understand this religion, culture, worldview. The constant struggles between East and West, wars, conflict, racism… all these things stem (in my humble opinion) from ignorance, a lack of understanding, a sad lack of desire to understand. I want to help rectify this. I want to teach, and I want to enable.

I don’t like making decisions. Makes me feel very uncomfortable. I make very bad decisions a lot of the time. I get excited and then rush in. And then regret it, panic and make an even worse decision. So I decided to take my time over this decision. I am still taking my time. I have a nice job at my old unversity, just admin. Nothing too demanding, nothing that makes me nervous or shy. The environment I work in, my colleagues, all help to provide a place I can flourish in. Here I have the space to think. And I think… I want to do an MA, and then maybe a PhD. I have no idea how I will finance this. I don’t know what MA to do, what academic direction to go in… (Although I may already have a tiny hint of an idea about my PhD – getting ahead of myself?) And I don’t know what I will do with the knowledge I will gain. And I’m not sure if I’m good enough.

But it is time to pull my head out of the sand and stop procrastinating. It is time to recognise the talents and passions that God has given me and work out how to use them. I write this in the hope that I can make the thoughts in my head just a little bit clearer and that this post will serve as constant reminder (OK, so it’s not exactly in ink, or set in stone, but it is in cyber-space forever – unless I chicken out and delete it, tee hee!) and force me to move.

A Shop, A Box And Some Rope

Here is a picture of a little shop on the outskirts of the old city of Damascus. As you can see, it is a very poor area of town. The people in the shop sell small domestic items, and then put them in a box and get it down to the customer on a piece of rope, like a pulley. Ingenious!

Straight Street

This is Straight Street, mentioned in Acts. In Arabic it is Shari’ al-Mustaqeem.

In Damascus there was a disciple named Ananias. The Lord called to him in a vision, “Ananias!”

“Yes, Lord,” he answered.

The Lord told him, “Go to the house of Judas on Straight Street and ask for a man from Tarsus named Saul, for he is praying. In a vision he has seen a man named Ananias come and place his hands on him to restore his sight.” (Acts 9:10-12) 

It’s pretty cool. But not remotely how I would have imagined it. It’s just a road in the old city of Damascus, about 5/10 minutes walk from where I lived. There’s a big Greek Orthodox church on that street, as well as one of the only Italian (I use that term loosely) restaurants in the city. I had an OK pizza there once, but I didn’t feel too good a few hours later.

I think Straight Street was also the street with a good bar called L’Auberge. Happy times were spent there. Pretty good, vaguely Latino dance music, and the only alcoholic drink I ever found in a Syrian bar – bright blue, with dubious alcoholic effects, it may have just been a sugar overload.

This street highlights one of the really great things about living in Damascus – here you can see history. Sights from Roman, Christian and Islamic periods are all in the same street.

At the east end of the street is Bab Sharqi. At the west end is Bab al-Jabiyye. These are 2 gates, entrances to the old city of Damascus. Old doesn’t quite cover it. Ancient is more appropriate. Roman temples once stood here. When the Greeks ruled Damascus the streets had a grid pattern, and Straight Street was widened when the Romans came along. Columns and arches marked it as a main thoroughfare. These are still there today:

St Paul’s chapel is also nearby, where it is said that the apostle Paul managed to escape from, by being lowered in a basket out of a window in the wall.

Straight Street is also known as Suq at-Taweel (The big, or long market). It’s a brilliant place. Spices, textiles, you name it. It’s part of the Suq al-Hamidiyye, more on that later.

It’s fun to just wander up and down the street and watch life. There are people selling fruit, sheeshas (a water pipe – I have one. I’ll take a pic and post it on here), men sitting outside their shops, talking, watching the world go by, playing backgammon.